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February 4, 2005
The Young, Single, and the Restless

by Justoju


I am pleased to announce on this blessed Jumaah of DhulHijjah that I am officially engaged and will be uttering my final syllables of marriage acceptance in early Safar InshaAllah. I thank all of you who have tolerated me and who have continued to keep me in your generous duas despite my undeservedness of them.

Now that that is formally announced, enough formalities.

I, like many Muslims (and humans in general), looooooooovvvveee talking about stuff I don’t know with 100% certainty and that I haven’t experienced in all their dimensions. I mean c’mon, really, I am neither an expert on ‘Human Understanding’ nor one on Despair. As best I know, I have yet to be declared the authority on weddings at Wayne Manor. As nice as human words may sound, there is ALWAYS room for error and inaccuracy.

That is why
amidst my rambling/conjecturing about things I only know a ‘little’ about, I will talk about something that Mu’imins believe and know of not only through the light of Scripture, but also from all of their heart and experience as well. Something that we all know, but often forget with the jump of a heartbeat.
And that, dear brothers and sisters, is the beauty and mercy of tawakkul.
We don’t deserve it my Hidayans, we just don’t deserve it…

I have been receiving proposals from the age of 14 (though my family and I weren’t actively considering them till 19) and I am going to share with you what I have learned from those years of routine and tiring considerations (aside from how to appear politely interested by nodding my head and raising my eyebrows at the right junctures in the conversation). My message to all the unmarried folk (myself included since technically I am not married) who are in the consideration process:

"And keep your soul content with those who call on their Lord morning and evening, seeking His Face; and let not your eyes pass beyond them, seeking the pomp and glitter of this life; nor obey any whose heart We have permitted to neglect the remembrance of Us, one who follows his own desires, whose case has gone beyond all bounds." (Surah Kahf : 28)

Look. We are all Hidayans here. We all have similar marriage standards. I know you are all looking for that person who will help you improve in your deen InshaAllah. Someone whose presence and practice will inspire taqwa and reflection in you. I know that you will give that the most priority when considering prospects InshaAllah. I know how it is. I know how at one point you just get ‘tired’ of waiting. You get ‘tired’ of being the last single man standing in your group of friends. You get ‘tired’ of having aunties, uncles, cousins, and friends ask you when you plan to get married. ‘Tired’ of considering one barely-motivated proposal—that wants to dig its claws into you and pull you ever closer to the Duniya—after another…

…Unfortunately, it is at this point that most people lower their marriage standards. They figure “ok, the root problem behind my having trouble finding the ‘mashaAllah’ spouse that I desire isn’t that those kinds of people are rare these days (…as they have always been...like the gems that they are) or that my duniya standards are too high (Tyra Banks still isn’t Muslim? Damn. Its ok, I’ll wait.). The problem is that I am asking for too much by desiring to marry someone who is on top of his or her deen. One shouldn’t expect so much from a prospect. I am not perfect either.”

Alarm bells should have gone off in your head when you read that.

Please brothers and sisters, please please, for the sake of the future of this Ummah, please don’t EVER EVER lower your Islamic standards. Please, really, I beg of you. The reasons for why I say this should come intuitively to most of you, but for the brothers and sisters who would like to know why we shouldn’t lower our Islamic standards (uhh duuuhhh) its cuz you don’t want to be held responsible on the Day of Judgment for ‘knowingly’ choosing a spouse who you felt would not be able to provide an Islamic environment for you or your children. Notice that I said ‘knowingly’. What is important here is your intention and effort. Then if, after you have tried your best, Allah (Glorious and Exalted) wishes to try you, then those are your cards. Play them wisely with sabr without neglecting your shukr. But to go back to the issue of choosing wisely, imagine standing before the Highest of Courts on that Final Hour and being told that the reason your children and grandchildren are going to hell is because they never received the Islamic environment/training from their parents that was their right. And the reason that didn’t happen is because you lowered your standards and just married the prettiest thing that was willing to marry you.

“Oh habeebti, I love you because you are the most beautiful girl that was willing to marry me and make her body available to me after marriage. I couldn’t have gotten better than you.”

“Oh habeebi, you are dear to me because you were the most well paid of the guys that wanted to marry me and pay my bills. I couldn’t have gotten better than you.”

Also, we have gone over the marriage supply-demand theory repeatedly on this site. Now I am not an economist, but it seems to be a pretty cut and dry concept. The supply will correspond to the demand. The more people demand a certain kind of religious individual, the more society will become accepting of that kind of person and will try to produce it with its resources. It’s GOOD to want what is good. Not only are you allowed to want it, but you are encouraged to in our deen. It helps society at large. And don’t worry, because the supply corresponds to the demand, this means that if you demand it then the odds are that there is someone allotted for you that will supply your demand. In marriage, as in other things, supply and demand seem to have a positive correlation with one another. One goes up, the other goes up. One goes down, the other goes down.

Abu al-'Abbas 'Abdullah bin 'Abbas reported: I was behind the Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam) when he said, "O young man, I will teach you some words (of wisdom). Keep Allah in mind, He will preserve you. Keep Allah in mind, you will find Him in front of you. If you (have need to) ask, ask of Allah. And if you must seek help, seek help from Allah.¹ Know that even if the (whole) community is united to (do something to) benefit you in any matter, they would not benefit you in ought save what Allah has written for you, and even if they were united to harm you in any matter they would not harm you in ought save what Allah has already written for you. The pens had been lifted and the pages were dry." (Tirmidhi and Musnan Ahmad)

And please, do you all really buy the “I am not the best Muslim so I shouldn’t try to marry someone better than me” excuse? Who do you want to marry? Someone who is worse than you so that the two of you can watch your Iman and Islam erode in each other’s company?! Seriously, we are SUPPOSED to try to marry someone who is better than us and whom we can learn a thing or two from. The reasoning could be something like this (Don’t mix up the steps. This is one of many threads of reasoning that may be applicable):

1. I need to marry someone more practicing than me for the sake of my religion.

2. Hmm…but the kind of spouse I want probably wouldn’t be interested in a loser like me. What kind of person would he/she want?

3. Wow. Now that I think about it, when I compare my expectations of what a good Muslim should be to what I myself am, I fall disgustingly short. I AM a dirtbag! This is gross.

4. Ya Allah, forgive me for being this disgustingly heedless of Your Pleasure and Command and bring me out of my jahilliyah. Help me become that which You are pleased with. InshaAllah and Amin.

5. Oh wait…but Allah wants ikhlaas (sincerity) from me and a pure intention. I have to want to be good for His sake alone. He deserves my intentions more than anyone else does. Forget marriage. I have bigger problems to work on. …Like myself.

6. Must work on my relationship with Him. Must build ikhlaas. Must work on my relationship with Him. Must build ikhlaas. Must work on my relationship with Him. Must build ikhlaas. Must work on my relationship with Him. Must build ikhlaas. Must work on my relationship with Him.

7. Huh? That religious person just proposed to me. What in the hell do they see in me? Oh well, Allah knows what is best for my deen and duniya. Let me do istikhaarah and see what happens.
Perhaps I should get married for His sake so that I can fulfill the Sunnah of the beloved Rasool (May Allah bless him and give him peace) and benefit my deen. He/she is known to be of good character/deen. Let me do an istikhaarah and see if it is willed for me to move forward with this.

8. Look at that, its positive. (If negative, don’t continue to 9. Go back two steps.)

9. “I will. I will. I will.”

10. I never deserved someone as amazing as this. Thank you Allah for delivering him/her to me and for taking care of me.

The key words in that last sentence are…

That’s right. YOU have someone taking care of you and all the minute itty-bitty factors in your life that you, with your big ole head and ego, don’t even recognize to exist. There is someone there monitoring every organelle that lies within your body. Someone who is making sure everything in your environment is perfect to sustain life. Someone who is making sure people don’t hate you. Someone who is making sure that life doesn’t crush you. Someone who is shielding you from the harshness of this Duniya, from the tragedies and blows that try people. Someone who’s Mercy is protecting you from the trials that you cannot bear. You just need to hold on to your faith, fulfill your obligations, and work towards the khair and, InshaAllah, He will provide you with what is Best for you in EVERY way.

And (moreover) He hath put affection between their hearts: not if thou hadst spent all that is in the earth, couldst thou have produced that affection, but God hath done it: for He is Exalted in might, Wise. (Quran: 8:63)

The Prophet Muhammad (upon him be blessings and peace) said,
“The hearts are in the fingers of the Merciful One, He turns them as He wishes.” (Muslim and Ahmad)

Have tawakkul that you will be taken care of by the One in Whose Hands all lies. You will seriously see all the pieces coming together when the time comes. All the forces in the universe will converge to give you that wonderful spouse who both you and your family are happy with. Yes, you read correctly, whom your FAMILY is happy with as well. Believe me, miracles happen and hearts are in the Hands of Allah, Glorious and Exalted. No one can dislike the person He chooses for you if He decides for them to like him. You don’t HAVE to marry someone against your parents' will in order to get the type of person you want. Just have tawakkul and show your parents the kindness that Allah and His Rasool COMMAND you to show them. Take care of their rights over you. You will see. You will be well taken care of by Allah. People who marry against their parents wishes have no idea what happiness one experiences when one sees one's family happy and excited about a person who also meets one's own preferences. You can’t help but be happy when you see your loved ones beaming with smiles. You CAN HAVE that. Really, you CAN.

“Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit quloobanaa ‘alaa deenik"
"O Controller of the hearts, make our hearts steadfast upon Your religion"

Make dua to be increased and strengthened in your deen and 'work' towards this end. Then ask with sincerity of intention for someone with deen and you will find that He will provide you with someone that has deen along with EVERYTHING else that is to be desired in a spouse. You will never see it coming. It will just hit you one day and you will fall to the ground in sujood and weep out of realization of your not having deserved His generosity and Loving Care. We don’t deserve a single moment of happiness; we are not worthy of it. Beyond the debt and responsibilities of slave hood that come with existence, the fact that he orchestrates all the factors and forces in the universe so that you can have a moment of happiness is enough to leave us forever in debt to Him. That’s just for ‘one’ moment of happiness…and He gives us so many. It’s amazing! Not one of us actually deserves the happiness He gives us. And it makes me feel relieved that we are all taken care of despite our undeservedness of His Care. So AMAZING is His Mercy and Kindness upon His creation. Alhamdulillah wa SubhanAllah.
THAT is why we call upon Him using His phenomenal qualities and not our own works.
We suck.
It’s that simple.
We suck.
So all we can say to Him is “Ya Rabb, I have nothing to place before You save my own helplessness. There is nothing that I own or that I have produced. I call upon You, asking You for madad and guidance, based on what YOU ARE. Based on Your Nature. YOU are the Merciful and Most Forgiving. So take care of me, my Rabb, based on these qualities for I have nowhere else to turn and no one else to ask. You did not create another caretaker and You are my only hope for nourishment.”

We truly have a Beautiful Creator whose qualities, if reflected upon, leave one helplessly in love with His entity. How can one NOT love Someone who takes this much concern in the well-being and happiness of his undeserving rebellious useless slaves? How can one not want to please such an entity?

On the authority of Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Allah the Almighty said: I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed."
(Buhkari, Muslim, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn-Majah).

[Another possible rendering of the Arabic is: "I am as My servant expects Me to be". The meaning is that forgiveness and acceptance of repentance by the Almighty is subject to His servant truly believing that He is forgiving and merciful. However, not to accompany such belief with right action would be to mock the Almighty.]

La hawla wa la qoowata illah billah.

Never ever lose tawakkul. He is to us as we think Him to be. Have good opinion of Him and you will find yourself taken care of better than you could have ever imagined or taken care of yourself InshaAllah. NO ONE deserves your good opinion more than He does. NO ONE deserves your benefit of the doubt more than He does. Submit your trust to Him and you will find blessings coming from the ghaib that you could have never foreseen. We really need to believe with every last bit of our soul that He can take care of us far better than we can take care of ourselves. We need to put down all this baggage and learn how to surrender our trust. That is often the last and hardest things to surrender. But its taste is also the sweetest.

Let us die with that taste in our mouth.
InshaAllah and Amin.

“And whosoever keeps his duty to Allah, Allah will appoint a way out for him, and will provide for him from (a quarter) whence he has no expectation.
And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, He will suffice him.
Lo! Allah brings His command to pass. Allah has set a measure for all things.”
(Qur’an 65:2)

Your sister who prays she is not punished for her audacity to write such a piece when those more qualified to speak are present,



* 'Umar [ibn al-Khattab] (may Allah be well pleased with him) used to quote these two verses [of Arabic poetry] as an instructive example:
Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God's decree.
If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.

* "And God doth advance in guidance those who seek guidance: and the things that endure, Good Deeds, are best in the sight of thy Lord, as rewards, and best in respect of (their) eventual return." (Surah Maryam, 76)

* “The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, though there is good in both. Be avid for that which benefits you. Rely on Allah and do not deem yourself incapable…” [Muslim, Ibn Majah, and Ahmad]

of and relating to...
MilkSheikh said


Walaikum assalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu wamaghfiratuhu wahidayatuhu waridhwanatuhu wajannatuhu.

That is a beautiful piece of writing, mashaAllah.

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Reward you with goodness in abundance.

on February 4, 2005 2:36 PM
Ibitsam said

Congratulations on this blessed Jumu'ah! May Allaah bless your spouse for you and you for him and for both of your families. Alhamdulillaah, you have reached your goals after sticking to your principles and proving to everyone, ma shaa Allaah. Your advice is well taken, that one should never have low standards of Islaamic character and religion.

However, Allaah SWT in His Infinite mercy makes spouses that complement each other in things that are lacking. That is why you are right we should search for a spouse more religious than us, so that we are encouraged to come towards Islaam and become better Muslims.
I hope you did not mind me asking who you were etc and I hope you did not get offended. As I mentioned, I am working on myself :)
In shaa Allaah, one day I will be a good person too. In shaa allaah, one day.

on February 4, 2005 3:04 PM
Bint Abdul Khaliq said

As Salaamu Alaikum

Jazakillah for the beautiful reminder sis-warmed my heart.All of us have this worry deep down inside us,that is if we will ever find the perfect spouse.Perfect for us in Deen and Dunya.But you're right-If we have ALLAH on our side,what is there to worry about?

May ALLAH bless you in your Nikah and keep you happy always.Ameen.

Was SAlaam

on February 4, 2005 3:08 PM
Justoju said

JazakumAllah khair for you duas. For the record, I am not yet a 'good' person and have more issues than anyone else I know. So no one need apologize for anything. It was most likely me who was in the wrong anyway.

You know, His Mercy is so great that sometimes you look back and you are like "wow, I didnt even have the tawakkul and iman that I should have had. And You STILL gave me so much and did so much for my happiness. Your Mercy is soo amazing, subhanAllah."

I wish I could post "look, I had tawakkul and so I was taken care of" but thats not the truth. He takes care of us purely out His Mercy. I lucked out because I cant think of ever having done/said/thought/intended/believed anything that would make me deserving of happiness. He is just extremely Merciful to His slaves. Alhamdulillah.

If, for whatever reason, it doesn’t work out with this brother (W’AllahuAlim), InshaAllah I hope and pray that I never forget that He is still looking out for me and that there is something even better in store for me InshaAllah. I have never had a reason to regret anything. In case there are trials later, I don’t want to forget this. He will not abandon His creation and cares for our heedless unworthy hearts more than anyone else.

In the end, there is no thought more comforting.

on February 4, 2005 4:24 PM
Talal said

You deserve the 3 'M's.

Mabrook, Marvelous, wa mashaAllah.

SubhaanAllah, reliance is truly a mercy on us.
And it is undoubtedly a beatiful thing to witness the happiness when two families come together as a result of a nikah.

jazaakillah khair sister.

on February 4, 2005 4:44 PM
gillette said

"I am pleased to announce on this blessed Jumaah of DhulHijjah that I am officially engaged and will be uttering my final syllables of marriage acceptance in early Safar InshaAllah. I thank all of you who have tolerated me and who have continued to keep me in your generous duas despite my undeservedness of them."

mabrook. may allah (ta'ala) make the path to marriage easy (there's more dua, but i think i'll wait until safar).

and you announced it on hidaya. mashallah. everyone needs HidayaOnline.com in their lives, and everyone needs to write for it. there's more info on how to write for Hidaya on the home page.

i'll comment on the rest of the article when i finish it. you know me and my unique relationship with long articles.

on February 4, 2005 7:12 PM
Mostafa ibn Mohamed Khalifa said

Asalaamu `alaikum,

Mashaa' Allah! Mabrook! May Allah bless you and your husband-to-be with only the best, ameen!

Interesting choice of title, as that is similar to the title of the upcoming ISRU Meeting with Shaykh Muhammad Faqih "The Young & The Restless" inshaa' Allah :D


on February 4, 2005 8:02 PM
Ibtisam said

In shaa' Allaah, you should always have the highest hope and trust in Allaah, everything will be fine and work out, in every walk of life you have to have patience and preservarance, honesty, humbleness, truthfullness, desire to acknowledge and rectify your mistakes...in addition to that thankfulness for what you have and are given.

I remember when I was single, I use to read the hadeeth taht women wait all their life for a spouse and then they complain about him. I use to ponder and think, I will never do that, lol! and I dont ever want to do that but
sometimes in us women, unthanfulness seeps in and I look back and remind myself, i dont want to be of the women of hell fire.
just remember most men are very wise, it is useful to learn from their wisdom.

I realized generally no matter how religious guys are, the girls are even more religious,it is just natural sometimes, I am almost convinced on that. so giving guys slack is quite okay, so long as with wisdom and beautiful preaching we convince them to be better, in shaa Allaah.

on February 5, 2005 12:03 AM
Basel said

Assalaamu 'alaikum


subhanAllah, this very topic had been eating away at me 'marrying someone better in deen than me', and started when someone suggested a sister whom I hold at a higher level of respect than myself, due to her level of deen.
My first response was 'she deserves TONS better', but another thought kept nagging me 'dont my kids deserve the one best in deen'...

SubhanAllah, walhamdulillah, that you got inspired to write an article about this.

JazakAllah khair,
oh! and Mabrook! May Allah bless your nikah with Mr. Fiance-ul-Justoju. Ameen

(then you can get him to start posting on hidaya too, inshAllah!)

on February 5, 2005 5:33 AM
Justoju said

"and you announced it on hidaya. mashallah."

Its funny cuz I still havent announced it to many of my real-life friends (and distant family) yet. Now thats Hidaya loyalty.

"i'll comment on the rest of the article when i finish it"

Actually, thats why I put the announcement in the 1st paragraph. I knew that if I saved it for the end most people would never even get to it.

"is similar to the title of the upcoming ISRU Meeting with Shaykh Muhammad Faqih "The Young & The Restless" inshaa' Allah"

Wow, subhanAllah. Ok, so I'll promote your event with my title and you guys can promote my article with your event. This worked out well.

"I realized generally no matter how religious guys are, the girls are even more religious"

Given the male population's physical urgencies, propensity towards violent response, machismo instincts, and temper/control issues, I think that a guy who is able to guard himself is an absolute miracle. Its easier for women to do some things due to our inherant nature. When men do those same things it implies a greater struggle and effort on their part. I dont know how they do it.

"someone suggested a sister whom I hold at a higher level of respect than myself, due to her level of deen. "

Bro, what are you sitting around for?! GO MARRY HER! Or at least pursue this! If you are able to marry I suggest you propose to her NOW and not wait around for someone else to sweep her away. Let Allah, Glorious and Exalted, decide if you two are worthy for one another or not. No human is qualified to make that judgment so dont try making it. Let Him handle it :)

"then you can get him to start posting on hidaya too, inshAllah!)"

Damn straight. You marry me, you marry into the Hidaya cyber family.

on February 5, 2005 11:10 AM
amatullah said

As salaamu alaikum

To sister Justoju and all others please download and listen to the EXCELLENT and BEAUTIFUL lecture on Nikah by Mufti Ismail Menck of Zimbabwe. I'm sure that whoever listens to it will NOT REGRET and will benefit GREATLY insha Allah, It's at :

http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/ It's the 6th Jumu'ah lecture from the top

Congrats to sis Justoju on ur proposal , may Allah grant you barakah and bliss in your marriage. ameen

on February 5, 2005 3:34 PM
Nisa said

Assalaamu 'alaikum

Mubrook dear sister! MashaAllah that is wonderful news. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala shower the union with barakah and much goodness, Ameen.

JazakAllahu khairan for sharing with us your insights and tips. No doubt Islamic standards should never be lowered for the beautiful reasons you pointed out.


on February 5, 2005 9:01 PM
Justoju said

To Br. Basel:

About this 'mashaAllah'fied sister: If your istikhaarah comes out positive, dont hesitate to invest time in pursuing her (islamically of course) and dont give up too easily. An example of sticking to and pursuing istikhaarah results: My current fiance was told about me by mutual friends and his request to come to my parents was originally declined by me because I thought there were too many unsurmountable obstacles and I didnt want him to waste his time. His istikhaaras were super positive (or so he told us) and he politely, islamically, and respectfully pursued this prospect for 7 months before finally getting the ok from me. I am really glad he did because, subhanAllah, all those things that I thought were obstacles somehow magically worked themselves out the moment he came here. I couldnt believe my eyes. So listen, if you think this girl is good for your deen and your istikhaaras are giving you a thumbs-up, try as respectfully as possible to get (and keep) things moving...Allah, Glorious and Exalted, will take care of the rest...

on February 5, 2005 11:34 PM
Justoju said

Oh and disclaimer: the above comment is not an ijaazah to be annoying, arrogantly macho, or a stalker.

on February 5, 2005 11:37 PM
Ibtisam said

start to post on hidaayah?

on February 6, 2005 3:35 PM
Ibtisam said

subhanallaah! I was gonna ask how did you meet him but I though that was too personal. Usually, friends come in best at time of need! Unfortunately, my friends were as pathetic as my family, so they were not much help. LOL!

on February 6, 2005 3:36 PM
Faisal Akhtar said


First I want to apologize for my brief absence from Hidaya.

Second, since we are on the topic of marriage, Alhamdulillah today it was confirmed to me that the brides family has said yes so I am now engaged. Inshallah, I will be getting my Nikah done over the summer. JazkAllah khair to Hidaya for helping me through my lonely days.

PS This message is for sister Ibtisam. My bride to be is my first cousin on my Moms side and a long lost cousin at that. I hadn't seen her in about 7 years. Remember the whole cousins being like sisters deal? Totally doesn't apply if Islamic manners of interactions are maintained so I am now engaged to my cousin alhamdulillah.

on February 6, 2005 6:49 PM
California said

First of all, Mabrook!! May Allah (swt) continue to shower you and your husband with His blessings. Ameen

Second of all,
I read your article, and I loved it!
I wanted your advice on something. I’ll get right to it. I really really look up to my brother. MashaAllah, I see the enlivening of the Sunnah when I look at him. He’s striving to be a better muslim, and he wasn’t always like this, but Allah (swt) gives hidaya to whom He (swt) chooses.
Back to my question, alhumdulilah he’s told my parents that he only wants what would please them and has asked that they find him a wife. Just as many brothers are today, he’s getting a bit tired of waiting. He still understand the importance of asking guidance of Allah (swt) and taking time to do proper Istikhara etc.
But because he is ready for marriage and my parents feel the urgency, as many parents do unfortunately, our parents…well, didn’t lower standards, they just weren’t high in the first place. For example, they are considering a sister that does not wear hijab, every now and then talks to non mahrams openly at school, (I’d rather not make a list for fear of exposing sins or anything like that because I have horrible Eman myself, and i'm also not saying all sisters that wear hijab are perfect angels either) and I’m no one to judge hearts so I feel guilty crossing her off the list like that, but I’d like for him to be around someone who also enlivens the Sunnah, and like him would raise strong muslim children, not listen to music/watch movies/ stays away from non mahram relatives etc.
My parents feel that since they know the family and practically helped raise this sister in a way that they know them well enough and believe…the cliché saying..”she can change afterwards, we can change her”…I don’t know quite what to think…I myself changed a lot, but didn’t start out like this sister is now either, and I realize that people can change, I was also given the line, (paraphrasing) “People change the other way around as well” as in if you find someone with high eman, they may change for the worse aswell… and I don’t want to be unjustly judging this sister…
Are they right? If you know the family, and the people are “very nice, sweet, wonderful people, loving, caring…etc etc” and you feel like the person IS the type of person that changes with her surrounding should you consider that?

For myself, I’m NEVER lowering my standards InshaAllah, but..no one agrees with me here, and its not my life, though I care deeply for my brother, and now I’m just confused because I don’t want to be unjust or judgemental either…

on February 6, 2005 8:30 PM
Ibtisam said

To Br. Faisal
Congratulations! and alf mabrook, join the club for cousin couples, alhamdulillaah.
Subhanallaah out of all people...ma shaa allaah you are getting married to your cousin as well.I at first was also a little adverse to the idea but Allaah teaches people, alhamdulillaah.
Congratulations, may Allaah bless you for one another and put blessings between you for both of you and your families. I also married my first cousin from my mom's side. you know ma shaa allaah, brother you have a lot of akhlaaq from what I have noticed on your posts on hidaaya and what not and you seem like a person who has taqwa, you will be fine and get along well with your wife in shaa allaah.

Back to California: you know, someone who has been through that, leave to Allaah, your brother is not your business, if he has no problem with it and neither do your parents,let your brother do istikhaara and make the choice. Just remember, you can NEVER run from your taqdeer whether you lower or higher your standards( I think you are a sister from the way you are talking). You dont know what this girl possess that you do not. Maybe she does not wear hijaab but she probably does not hurt people's feelings either. So hijab is a personal issue between you and Allaah, Allaah can forgive the person on that but people will not forgive the person if their feelings are hurt.
I advise you California to fear Allaah and shut up about this issue. I am sure you're family is calling you arrogant as a result of your protest. Just worry about your future, etc. and leave all matters up to Allaah. Your brother's imaan or islaam is under Allaah's control just pray waht is best for your brother.

Remember, you can never run from your taqdeer. If you are meant to marry a looser, you can never change that so fear Allaah in all issues. And think about what is truley Islaamic. My parents are religious people that teach in the community. I go by what they are saying, even though people on this website and perhaps you might disagree with these ideas or principles. Akhlaaq and how you treat people is the most important aspect to look for in a marriage. If these things are not present than the outward superficial aspects of Islaam CAN fade and go away but if those things are present then a person can change.

Let that girl enter into a good Muslim family. perhaps you can do da'wah to her; would'nt you want the reward?

Dont say about lowering or increasing your standard, what's gonna happen to you is what is in your taqdeer, the good or bad(in shaa allaah good).
For many years(6years) I did not want to marry my cousin but I could not run away from it no matter what(looking into other proposals, saying no at first, etc etc). But I prayed and prayed and that is what counts. Perhaps listening to certain people might make me feel bad about my choice but I did salaatul istikhaara. I tried to make suggestions for my brother not to marry non-mutahajjibah cousins but I left the matter up to Allaah as it is not my business. It is their lives and they have the right to live it the way they want to. If they want to listen totheir parents, Allaah will reward them and make righteousness easy for them. Allaah stresses to listen to parents and Allaah is not unjust to make such a person suffer or fall into dalaalah(misguidance) who obeys Allaah's command. Just fear Allaah and not be arrogant, have taqwah.

on February 6, 2005 8:57 PM
Ibtisam said

funny thing happened today, a christian girl was trying to convert me. She spoke on and on about her belief in Isa AS and the whole idea of God letting Isa AS take punishment for all of humanity and how essentially we are all sinners because of original sin and she was quoting the bible, bla blah. After she finally finished, I was about to give the Islaamic perspective when she changes the topic and looks at my cell phone. I let it go. Even though i was interjecting in between, I realized she did not want to hear it anyway. But it is funny, she was saying that good deeds does not matter. How she would try to do good deeds but not afterwards she became born again. I guess to christian born agains, they feel they are allowed to do whatever they do and put the burden on ISA AS, what injustice attributed to a JUST God. They dont get it that Allaah does not punish you for another's sin. Every one bears their own burden. Good deeds are never wasted. What intelorence of Christian missionaries that they dont want to listen to other faiths especially Islaam, are they afraid they will become Muslim?

on February 6, 2005 10:06 PM
california said

Jazak Allah Khair for your sincere answer sister Ibtisam. I appreciate your bluntness. I see what you're saying. I was being arrogant, and I seek refuge in Allah (swt) from shaitan.

May Allah (swt) Guide us all, myself first and foremost.

on February 6, 2005 10:22 PM
Mohammed Irfan Shariff said


thats my mans right there. MashaAllah im realy happy for you brother


on February 6, 2005 10:55 PM
gillette said

i finally read the article. good stuff, backed by experience.

on February 6, 2005 10:59 PM
Justoju said


To Br/Sr California:

Duuude! like maybe you should like totally have him like read my article dude (sorry, couldnt help but do the accent) :).

Seriously, it a simple formula. We all get what we 'know' we want and what we make dua for, strive for, and have tawakkul regards...and what He deems is best for us inshaAllah. When that happens, He takes care of family opposition as well and makes everyone's heart settle on that one person.

Your brother will get what 'he' knows he wants, makes dua for, strives for, has tawakkul regards, and is deemed best by Allah (SWT) for him...not what 'you' want for him. Sweetie (if you are a girl), it really needs to come from him.

I didnt think you were being arrogant; in fact I could sense in your comment your anxiety about being judgemental or unjust to this sister. InshaAllah just keep your brother in your duas and try to bring him to as many islamically uplifting events/programs as is possible. Not only will it help him fine-tune his idea of where he wants to go in life and what he might need to get there, but it will also give him the opportunity to see the strength and dignity with which a 'good' muhajjibah carries herself. Sometimes people are ready to 'settle' because they feel that there just arent any other options around. Sometimes they feel like they cant 'get' those options in the time-frame that they are aiming for.

And remember, throughout all this, make sure the brother is never rude or disrespectful to his parents. That is like shooting yourself in the foot and you cant expect much barakah from Allah by not giving them their rights. Please Allah, and He shall suffice you in everything.

on February 7, 2005 12:01 AM
Justoju said

Mabrook to br. Faisal and his soon to be bride (inshaAllah)! May you both be blessed with happiness in all worlds and may you walk hand in hand through this world to jannah inshaAllah. Its about time Hidaya had a daughter in law :).

You know, before sister Ibtisam (br. Abdullah) brought the issue up by criticizing those that thought they were too good for it on 'Wheres the Washing Machine'/'How to Meet Women at ISRU', no one really wrote about cousin-marriages on this site (neither for nor against). I think the reason for that is that people really dont have a 'problem' with it. What people have a problem with is the fact that often times their own preferences are overlooked (which is not islamic) and they are asked to marry someone 'just' because they are a cousin. I always thought the issue was a bit overblown on this site. Its not like I recall anyone actually commenting 'against' cousin-marriages or expressing disgust for them. I think that sometimes it might be better not to jump the gun, and better not to start defending something that is in no need of being defended. I know that personally if I had a cousin who was religious, had akhlaq and could make me laugh I would prolly have had my parents propose to him myself. Though they may not say it in so many words, I think its that way for most people. If they only had a cousin who met their preferences, they would never have an issue with it...I know people who grew up in America who married their cousins because at some point they realized that their cousin had all the qualities they were looking for in a spouse...

on February 7, 2005 12:06 AM
california said


"Duuude! like maybe you should like totally have him like read my article dude"

lol, can't believe you went there justoju, and just for the record, I did send him your article :)

"Sweetie (if you are a girl)"

yes, i am a girl ;)

"I didnt think you were being arrogant; in fact I could sense in your comment your anxiety about being judgemental or unjust to this sister."

May Allaah (swt) protect us from arrogance and pride. Ameen.

"Sometimes people are ready to 'settle' because they feel that there just arent any other options around. Sometimes they feel like they cant 'get' those options in the time-frame that they are aiming for."

That actually describes it perfectly, there is a list, with beautiful requirements elhumdulilah, but for some reason, every now and then the list takes the backseat because theres no one 'filling the requirements' here...

"And remember, throughout all this, make sure the brother is never rude or disrespectful to his parents."

Elhamdulilah, thats his number one priority.

Jazak Allah Khair for all of the advice!
I actually feel much better now, because as it was said in both answers, you can't get away from Taqdeer (wouldn't want to if we could), so we'll just make duaa for whats best inshaAllah.

on February 7, 2005 9:09 AM
Ibtisam said

Thats sounds just about right, California,
another thing, try befriending(is that a word) the girl that your parents want your brother to marry. Perhaps you should send her an article or two about Islaam, that she gets more interested in.
How does that girl treat you? That is also imporant, if she treats you sweetely, there is no reason for you to dismiss her.
With all due respect, this article is good but you should send your brothers articles on marriage from shuyookh, so that he understands what marriage is, etc and the purpose.

I see an irony her to sis Justoju's statements, on the one hand she is saying that one should never lower one's standards of seeking a spouse but yet she is advising Br. Basel to propose to the religious girl, if that really really religious girl has high standards then how will she accept Br. Basel's proposal.
Likewise, this girl that you say does not wear hijaab, what if her standard to marry a guy is a religious guy and she wants to marry your brother, then this girl is following Justoju's advice?

Nice irony, eh?

on February 7, 2005 1:20 PM
curious said

ukhti ibtisam, the hadith doesn't say "choose the one who is sweetest, may you prosper," it says:

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, or her religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”

(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5090; Muslim, 1466)

on February 7, 2005 1:39 PM
curious said

(sorry to interrupt the discussion by the way)


on February 7, 2005 1:44 PM
Ibtisam said

I disagree.... the other categories are not chugged so to speak. Define religious committement,
akhlaaq is part of religious committment. You youth will never understand and never learn as far as I know. I am not saying dont choose for deen.If Cali girl can find a religious, and good character girl for her brother, then she should present the alternative, otherwise stay out of the issue, especially since her brother and parents disagree with her. Common, I am talking from experience here. Been there done that. I dont know what you people's circumstances are etc. But you gotta look at the big picture.
If anyone deserves the best, it is my brother: he talks, acts and is knowledgeable like a mini-sheikh and he is aspiring to be a scholar of Islaam and Imaam in shaa Allaah, but when I said that I was called arrogant by my parents apparently they thought I was looking down upon the relative girls that dont wear hijaab, they said, that no one is perfect and they will start to wear hijaab after marriage and become religious. Plus, they challenged me to find righteous, religous, good akhlaaq girls and quiet frankly I only knew one that I can say but she has bad akhlaaq and not much religous knowledge even if she has practice.
On a side note, I have seen a lot of Arab girls change tremendously when they were marrying religious guys, in front of my own eyes, from not wearing hijaab, tight clothed, etc etc to wearing hijaab, humble. I know because I always spoke to these sisters and never judged them and then when I saw a change I was extremely happy, perhaps, I like to think that what accelerated the change in them is that they spoke to mutahajjibaat, that treated them as a human being and said salaam and did not look at them inferiorly, so that is important.
usually the guys are in charge and have better control over the couple and CAN change the women, ESPECIALLY if the women is HUMBLE, so marry a humble woman,not an arrogant self-made woman, otherwise your hands will be rubbing in the dust in a different way.

And the hadith is talking to guys not girls, so for girls, their father is instructed to marry them off to the first person who comes with character that pleases the father. Take note, we live in America does not mean we have to act like Americans. Women are not the ones to make absolute decisions, you girls will never understand.

on February 7, 2005 5:16 PM
Ibtisam said

The one who is sweetest has truely understood the "essense" or "purpose" of Islaam, offcourse any guy, ask all of the guys on this forum, who would not choose the sweetest girl?
offcourse I can say with confidence they will choose the sweetest girl, because a sweetest girl will be the quickest to adopt Islaamic principles, the quickest to change to please her husband so she does not hurt his feelings, and the not stubborn at all person.
So yeah, sweetest is what religion is suppose to make you and if Islaam is not doing that then get your intentions about hijaab, qur'aan, salaah right, look over your ibaadah, because they are suppose to make you humble and sweet not the other way around.

on February 7, 2005 5:21 PM
Justoju said

Waayyy too much in the above two posts for me to comment on...

Ok, I dont want to sprain my fingers typing so I'll let someone else handle it inshaAllah. But I will answer what was directed to me.

About the irony that sr. Ibtisam says lies in my statements. I dont think its ironic at all. My advice is to the reader and it is backed up by the advice of shuyukh, quran, and hadith. I dont think I have EVER heard a sheikh advize us to marry someone who does not have deen. Sr Ibtisam, your argument is that "well, if EVERYONE wants to have a spouse better than them then no one will end up getting married". This argument might have stood some weight in a world where hearts and actions lay open for all to see and where everyone 'knew' where everyone else stood on the 'acha bacha' ladder. In such a world, marriage would have only been possible between equals who stood on the same rung.

But, because we live in a world where we 'dont' know and only know bits and pieces of what is outward and apparent, the advice I gave will not lead to an impossible situation. Why not? Simply because people will only be able to estimate who is stronger than them and not know it for sure with certainty. When we estimate we run the chance of marrying someone who 'isnt' in fact stronger than us...then, inshaAllah, that person can then improve with time by being married to someone stronger than them...but you dont PURPOSELY try to marry someone who is weaker than you. I think its arrogant for someone to think they have the power to change others. The path of humiilty is the path of caution and self preservation. We dont try to marry religious people because we think we are too good for others, we try to marry them because we think we are so weak that we will be easily led astray.

btw, there are 4 other people on this site that are older than you. In some ways we have experienced things differently from you. Many of us work within the community and with muslim youth. Please dont equate your experiences growing up with that of everyone else. I think you mentioned before that you grew up as the daughter of a sheikh/imam. I am sure you would agree that your life experiences and lifestyle growing up were highly different from those of the majority of muslims.

And yes, akhlaq is deen...but a lot of kaafirs have good akhlaq too. I know a ton that are amazingly sweet and yet dont buy that God cant have a son (wa naoodhobillah). Obviously it wouldnt be prudent to marry them in the hopes of changing them. Sometimes the risks are too high. When we pass away the first question that we will be asked wont be "were you a sweet person"...we will be asked about our prayers. Outward worship does matter and should be considered.

on February 7, 2005 8:58 PM
Justoju said

Marrying: Is Hijab Deen?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

There is a woman whom my mother is urging me to marry. She is Muslim and possesses beauty. Her family is religious however the women in her family do not hijaab. The woman as well as being physically appealing is reserved and shy. I think with some work, insha'ALLAH, I can convince her to wear hijab. I would like to educate her before hand in matters of fiqh and aqeedah.

Walaikum assalam,

Brother, deen is not a piece of cloth on one's head.

One should look at the whole picture:

How is her religious practice?

How is her concern for matters of the next life?

Is she someone who loves Allah and His Messenger (Allah bless him & give him peace)?

Is she someone who will help you in your goal of drawing closer to Allah?

Or will she be a fitna for you, dragging you into more and more this-worldly concerns, away from a life centered around the love and worship of Allah?

One should consider the person 'as they are now.' People do not always change easily. Many of the close relatives of the best of creation, the Chosen One, the Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace), did not become Muslim, despite years of close contact with the one whose very character was the Qur'an in person...

These considerations apply to choosing (or agreeing to marry) a husband or wife…

Walaikum assalam,
Faraz Rabbani.

on February 7, 2005 9:08 PM
Rami said

Asalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatu,

May Allah bless you and your new family (to be insha Allah). Allah Barak Feekum and may Allah give you upright(saleh) children and a relationship & marriage comparable to those that the sahaba used to have.

Now you must name your first born child Huda and/or Hidaya.

Wasalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatu

on February 8, 2005 3:38 PM
Justoju said

JazakumAllahu khair br. Rami and Amin to your dua.

I am actually more grateful to you than you know. I really believe that a lot of the barakah in the marriage process came as a result of that dua that you made for me at the haram (the one you awarded to me in your contest). The duas of the pious work like magic mashaAllah :). May Allah, Glorious and Exalted, accept all your duas with khair the way He accepted that one. InshaAllah and Amin.

And yeah, I was thinking Huda too... :)

on February 8, 2005 4:23 PM
Fihi said

Here are a few thoughts to ponder upon:

- Fir3aun's wife's trial: A disbelieving husband
- Prophet Lot's trial: A disbelieving wife
- Prophet Noah's trial: A disbelieving wife
- Prophet Isa's: No wife
- Prophet Mariam's: No husband

"Allah has set an example to the unbelievers in the wife of Nüh (Noah) and the wife of Lüt (Lot). They were married to two of Our righteous servants, but they betrayed them. In no way could their husbands protect them from Allah. Both of them were told: "Enter the fire, along with those who enter." (66:10)

"And God gives as an example to those who believe the wife of Pharaoh. Behold, she said, 'My Lord, build for me in nearness to Thee a mansion in heaven, and save me from Pharaoh and his doings, and save me from those who do wrong.'" (66:11)

Believers have to be tested in one way or another in this life. For all those who have been blessed with:
- Strong eman
- God-fearing family (excluding wife/husband)
- Good health
- Prosperity

your trial could end up being in:
- Your marital life
- It could end up in a divorce (God forbid)
- You could become a widow at an early age
- You could have disbelieving children

Sorry for sounding so negative, but don't worry, if it does happen to you or someone you know, remember thas its only a test from your Creator.

"Do you think that you will enter Paradise without any trials while you have known the examples of those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with suffering and adversity and were so violently shaken up that even the Rasool and the believers with him cried out: "When will Allah's help come?" Then they were comforted with the words, Be aware! Allah's help is ever close (2:214)

on February 9, 2005 1:45 PM
Justoju said

May Allah, Glorious and Exalted, save our weak hearts from such trials and keep us from all that which would bring them upon us. InshaAllah and Amin.

on February 9, 2005 8:29 PM
a reader said

assalamu alaikum...

"And yeah, I was thinking Huda too... :)"

speaking of huda...
we are eagerly awaiting the next installment.

May Allah ta'ala bless you and the brother in this dunya and the akhira.

on February 10, 2005 4:06 AM
Rami said

Asalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatu,

Br. Faisal, Barak Allah Feek. May Allah bless you in your marriage and in your children.

Br. Fihi, good reminder...but ameen to Sr. Justoju's dua. May Allah also make us strong if these trials do come upon us.

Wasalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarkatu

on February 10, 2005 6:55 AM
Eeman said

All in all, the greatest blesssing of all is having eemaan. Counting blessings, we will never stop. Subhanallaah.

on February 10, 2005 8:41 PM
Justoju said

"speaking of huda...
we are eagerly awaiting the next installment."

I wrote it for you.

on February 11, 2005 2:27 PM
Abdullaah said

I was just reading everyone's posts from last year including mine, and boy did we all go through a change. Just looking at Br. Talal's washing machine posts, I think I went down in maturity and some other people went up in maturity :)

The new Huda articles sound slightly better than the old ones ;oP

Oh and I am submitting my useless one man chronicles. I came up with this superb idea(dont steal it): The Muslim Bachelorette: Taming of the shrew Hijabi?

Nice, eh?

on February 11, 2005 11:47 PM
Ibtisam said

YOu know, I actually finished reading you're whole article this time( I know I did not read all of it, I am a busy students with finals every other month and board exams coming up :). And I must say taht this article, for the first time in a loong loong time gave insight into myself. I think, I mentioned, that I slacked after my teenage years to some extent, I mean, I had it in me. I use to do faraa'idh but I was not as religious as I use to be. And you get what you are or you strive to be. I was expecting too much and not working on myself.I really felt ashamed of myself when I finally finished your piece today. Ma shaa allaah, beautiful, uplifting speech you have written. It was like a mirror in myself. like believers are mirrors to each other and without realizing it your article became and aina or mirror into my soul.

I am now ashamed at what I wrote that was argumentative. I am truly humbled by this total post. and it is soo beautiful that i feel like crying in my heart as self discovery. May Allaah give me hidaayah.

Your sister in Islaam,

on February 12, 2005 1:00 AM
Justoju said

We ALL need hidaya, no one can ever have too much of it. The cool thing about discussion is that we can all benefit from each other's wisdom and insight inshaAllah...thats what HidayaOnline is for :)

We all debate over various issues, but at the end of the day, we also include each other in our duas because we know that the fellowship and bond between the Muslims is one of the things that keeps our Maker pleased with us. And how could we NOT love those who He loves and looks after...fuzzy thought isnt it :)

May Allah, Glorious and Exalted, accept the good that we do and forgive us for the bad. And may our brothers and sisters forgive us for any harm (physical/emotional/spiritual) that we may have caused them and allow us to learn from their strengths. InshaAllah and Amin.

on February 13, 2005 11:34 PM
Ibtisam said

Ameen, summa ameen, I ask formally from all of you sisters and brothers forgiveness for any annoyance, harm I may have caused to any of you, through my statements.

Thank you for writing a wonderful article, I am truly grateful for it being an aina. Allaah the Most Merciful, Waahidul Qahaar loves His slaves and Gives us guidance. For guidance comes from Allaah Alone and in the end taht is what we should try to achieve.

Anyone volunteering/going to MSA EZ, NYC!

on February 13, 2005 11:40 PM
Amani said

From the History Channel Website:

"There are 118 single men (i.e., never married, widowed or divorced) who are in their 20s for every 100 single women of the same ages."

So there ARE more men than women. How many of them are Muslim men and how many of them are Muslim men, is of course, the mystery. :)

Sr. Justoju: I am also still working on this article. Sorry, but one thing I can't do is read long things over a computer screen. I thought I was almost done, then I scrolled down and decided to leave it for another time (I tried to print it out when you first wrote it, but the printer was giving me problems). Once I finish, I can put in my 2 cents, insha'Allah. :)

on February 13, 2005 11:56 PM
Amani said

Edit: In previous post I of course meant "how many of them are Muslim men and how many are Muslim WOMEN..." :P

on February 13, 2005 11:58 PM
Justoju said

118 single men for every 100 single women?

Thats 1.18 men per woman...not bad not bad... :)

on February 14, 2005 2:10 AM
Basel said

alhamdulillah, for sister ibtisams's post :)

I was tempted a few times to write a reactionary post to clarify what I meant when I mentioned 'a person with a higher level of deen'.

Instead, alhamdulillah, I've been delayed long enough for this post not to be a reactionary one :)

There is a difference between :
1. a person who believes prayer means Jumm'ah, beard means goatee, 'islamic'restaurants means sheeshah joints, (since this is a comment and not an article, i wont go further... you get the point)
2. one who strives to follow the sunnah as much as possible, even if it means keeping a beard until it reaches that coveted fist-length (while trusting in Allah swt to provide for him the job that 'wellwishers' would swear requires a clean shave), one who tries to keep learning and striving, one who sees a lifelong (as long as Allah swt deems necessary) of seeking knowledge for the sake of Al-'Aleem, one who seeks a partner who would help him in this quest rather than be a hindrance to it.

I feel it would be unjust to subject a (sister version of #2) to a marriage with person #1, whose outlook on islam is to relegate it to Fridays and halal restaurants, and fashionable restaurants, and vice versa.

What I had doubts over, is whether person #2, with only a few years of such striving behind him, could be suitable for a (sister version of) person #2 with many more years of striving behind her.

Sr. Justoju's article (May Allah grant her sawab for any benefit readers derive from it, Ameen) advises such brothers and sisters to not compromise and settle for person#1, by giving in to the Shaitaan's whispers.

Hmmm..... I think even some parents of the 'young and the restless' should read this article.....

on February 14, 2005 7:02 AM
Rami said

Asalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarkatu,

Comment no. 50

Wasalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarkatu

on February 15, 2005 2:55 PM
Justoju said

Shukran for your kind-hearted generosity brother.

on February 15, 2005 11:55 PM
Ibtisam said

Assalamu Alaikum,
Hey any good Muslims! I have a Latina neighbor who is absolutely wonderful, she wants to marry a Muslim Pakistani guy who is religious and good mannered and very caring and a little good looking. I am tring to do da'wah to my neighbor and she is considering to become Muslim. If you guys do know anyone who might be good AND the family will accept her, then email me in shaa Allaah.Please let me know. May Allaah reward you.

on February 16, 2005 12:17 AM
Justoju said

I am sure you know your friend better than I do, but many shuyukh advise converts to wait a little bit before getting married so that they can have time to 'settle in' to their Islam. Conversion is a HUGE change in lifestyle and so is marriage. When you try to do both at one time it can sometimes cause complications and confusion. It is easier to adjust to another person and his quirks when you have already adjusted to your own 'new' Muslim self and have become a bit more balanced and secure. Allahu Alim. You know your friend better than I do, but this is just something to keep in mind.

on February 16, 2005 12:58 AM
duaa said

Confused and desperate.

Salam alykum…

Im’ going through a very difficult time right now…I am afraid I am losing my religion ….i am lost in a sea of doubts and confusion…and I’m internally freaked out…literally…I feel I am going into a depression…I will be getting married soon but yet I feel as if I’m dying…and I am…I’m dying spiritually….

I am one of those who have gone through many proposals, one after the other, and yes am ‘tired.’ Very tired. and so now, i have ‘lowered’ my standards..and have accepted who my parents have chosen…which is ironic because I am the one who gave advice to others to Never Ever to lower religious standards when choosing a spouse… but to know the circmstances on why i am doing this is a loooooooong story…so Plz Forgive me and i will appreciate whoever will be patient enough and would read this through...

so here it goes...

In the past there have been times, when Allah had blessed me and sent to my home good brothers in deen…in deen and character…but for one reason or another…things didn’t work out. The most dramatic was a year ago, when I got engaged to a person out of my culture, which was a huge issue for my family (typical desi) but despite all the obstacles-cultural and family issues…I finally got engaged to him because I had very very good istikharas, and there was no doubt in my heart the he would help me live Islam and help me learn Arabic etc etc, and so I took a stand…and alhudullaih, Allah was with me, and everyone accepted it… and 2 days before the wedding…with the invitations out…events took such a drastic turn that the wedding got cancelled and it was made clear to me that he was not in my taqdeer. I was sad, but alhumdulliah…if that was how my Lord wished to test me, I was willing to accept it. and I tried my best.

Then I had a few more proposals, there was one with even better deen then my ex finance…after communicating with this guy…alhumdulliah….he was ma’shallah… and I was compelled to prostrate in shukar for Allah’s generosity and mercy for sending to my home such a good brother….there were some issues….but no one is perfect…and Everything was fine until the last moment, things took a drastic change, and things came to a sudden end. But all I knew to do was to say, Alhumdulliah and move on.

So now this has been going on for a good 5 years. So you can understand what the parents are going through. Being patient, guy after guy. Being patient with their daughter saying ‘No’ to all the non-religious cultural guys. Being patient with Taqdeer. Its natural for them to get worried, with their health going down day by day and want to fulfill their responsibilities.

So in their quest of fulfilling their obligations, they found in their terms ‘an educated, nice, man’ but who unfortunately happens to be a non-religious cultural guy, who is not a practicing muslim, running after his career and wants a wife to take care of him (free service!)
I did express my feelings to my parents, but they felt it was better for me to leave it on Allah and ofcourse with the cliché ‘you can change him!’ and before I knew it, things were finalized and my nikkah is in couple of weeks.

from the first time I met him…I knew he was weak…in religion…and in personality….he’s one of those not-strong-willed…and after spoken to him I have realized its going to be very difficult to change him,because of his profession (he’s a doc!) and b/c of his cultural background…he was born and raised in Pakistan and I was raised here….i speak the language and all…but its not the same…and its not even the language..its that cultural mentality… I’ve tried to talk to him…but it doesn’t seem as if its making any sense to him….and over the last few weeks…I’ve no desire to even talk to him…im not even entirely attracted to him…but I know better to fall for looks…I felt the same about my ex fiancé…but after things had finalized, allah just put it in my heart and I had fallen in love (like accepted him wholeheartly) with that same person.

And now, not a single day passes by where I wake up with teary eyes, not knowing what im getting myself into. I feel as if im sinking down, sinking in my own world of confusion. To accept this as taqdeer? Is this the taqdeer that I cannot run away from? Or should I take a stand and not compromise my deen? Ever since I had changed, I had stopped listening to Music and TV but now I find myself staring at TV for endless hours…I had prayed Istikara the first time he came over…then when things were in process of finalizing…I found it so difficult to even pray istikhara….and even when I do it…it feels so meaningless…but I struggle and every now and then I do sincerely fall down in front of Allah and ask him to help me…help me…to just help me get over this test.

Why do I have doubts, when a muslim should never have doubts. Why am I confused? Why am I thinking exactly what I shouldn’t be thinking…why do my eyes well up with tears with the thought of marrying this guy…i feel as if im just not happy! I know im not happy.

So I ask, am I stepping over my Islamic rights by going ahead with this, even if I have serious doubts in my heart? Or should I accept it as taqdeer…If I am meant to marry a loser, nothing in this world is going to stop that. So is this a test for me to be patient and persevere? Or is this a test for me to take a stand and not let my Islamic rights be stepped over?

I need some desperate help and this site has given be a ray of hope…

this letter is for Justoju after reading her article but anyone else who can help me, i would appreciate that as well...may allah reward them..

lastly...i ask anyone who would read this to make Duaa for me...


confused and desparate

on April 7, 2005 9:38 AM
gillette said

1) please e-mail this sister

2) please don't advise her unless you're married or engaged.

on April 7, 2005 10:19 AM
dil said

just to see if this works

on April 7, 2005 6:25 PM
sister said

I emailed you, please check your email.

on April 7, 2005 6:35 PM
duaa said

Salam alykum!

Alhumdulliah hi rabil alameen...
Alhumdulliah hi rabil alameen...
alhumdulliah hi rabil alameen...

I want to thank all those sisters who have e-mailed me with advice on what to do and not to do. I am reading, and re-reading every single of them...and i already feel ALOT better.

Inshallah I will respond to those...but i need to sit back and view everybody opinions from an open perspective...im afraid that if i start writing responses, i might fall more into confusion, as in, some sisters are saying i should go ahead with it...some say not to...some say to slow down and see...

So Alhumdulliah...all are good advice...i have internalize it first...

But may Allah reward all..who have taken their time to read and then respond...I am so proud of my muslim sisters...May Allah reward every single one of you...

jazakallah khair
jazakallah khair
jazakallah khair

keep making Duaa's
Inshallah everything will be okay.

on April 7, 2005 10:59 PM
Justoju said

AssalamuAlaikum Sr. Duaa,

I hope this reaches you in the best of health and iman. Sister, I apologize for not answering your comment up until now. The truth is, I am not qualified to answer it. This is the matter of your life, of your future, and it is simply far too great a stake to put at the mercy of the advice of the ignorant. I make more mistakes than anyone else I know and, aside from the general advice offered in this article, whatever advice I could offer would be colored by my own limited experience and personal circumstances. I would only be able to offer you biased advice and that is too dangerous a game to play with someone's life.

Tell me habeebti, are you sure its a good idea to ask advice of people who know no more of the future than yourself? Who know your personal circumstances, hopes, dreams, obstacles, far less than even you do? Who carry their own baggage and biases with them? We are as helpless and ignorant as you are. God forbid the majority of people advise you to take the incorrect action and make it seem more attractive to you. Human thought and preference is very easily molded by majority opinion--majority opinion which isnt always correct. I agree, you need to be advised in this time of need, but I think this is the wrong place. This is the wrong door.

You need the help of someone who knows all the factors involved. Who knows the future. Who knows what your heart longs for. Who knows what is best for you. Who CARES about you and your future a heck of a lot more than I or anyone else on this board does. Darling, you need Allah.

You said that you feel distant from Him. That you feel like you are losing grip on whatever progress you might have made for His sake in the past. Dont you see, this is the PERFECT time to reclaim all that. Lay your tears, your anguish, your heart's lament before Him in prayer and in Remembrance. Beg Him like your life depends upon it...because it DOES. Make istikhaaras and plead for Him to guide you to what makes Him the most pleased with you in both worlds and that brings you the most amount of khair in your needy existence. Ask forgiveness for slipping, for your heedlessness, but ask Him to help you out of His Mercy which is without limit and without comparison.

"Thee alone do we worship and Thee alone do we ask for help". ONLY HE can help you. ONLY HE can hear you as you need to be heard. ONLY HE can deliver you. ONLY HE deserves your tears and your attentions right now. Turn to Him and He will have turned to you. Do not be afraid, we have a Merciful, Kind, Forgiving, Kind Lord who does not turn away those who come to Him for help. Turn to Him. Make istikhaaras. Then seek advice of those who have dedicated their lives to His pleasure--the scholars. InshaAllah, He will create an opening for you and will guide you to what is best for you. Just hold on to Him. This is all just a test, it will be over before you know it. All just some veils of light and darkness. All an illusion. He is the only thing that is REALLY Real in this entire madhouse. So hold on to Him. Perhaps He has put you in this situation in order to bring you closer to Him by giving you all the more reason to turn to Him. Perhaps claims you might have made (even in solitude, in dua) in the past are being tested. Perhaps He wishes to choose you to be of those who He brings closer to Himself. You would be truly fortunate if that were the case.

You only know what your taqdeer is after the moment has passed, it cannot be predicted. So do not rush to accept something that has not already occurred. As muslims we believe in taqdeer, no doubt, but we LIVE as if we have free will. Use your free will to make sincere istikhaarah, to get advice from scholars, and then to act upon it.

May Allah, Glorious and Exalted give you strength and bring you more happiness in both worlds than you ever could have imagined or hoped for. InshaAllah and Amin.

Please keep your humble Hidayans in your duas. We definitely need them. :)


on April 9, 2005 3:12 AM
asif said


"You only know what your taqdeer is after the moment has passed, it cannot be predicted. So do not rush to accept something that has not already occurred. As muslims we believe in taqdeer, no doubt, but we LIVE as if we have free will. Use your free will to make sincere istikhaarah, to get advice from scholars, and then to act upon it."

Masha'Allah, these are invaluable words of insight for all of us.

Jazak Allah Khair Ukthi-Siser.

on April 9, 2005 7:26 AM
duaa said

assalam u alkum Sister Justojo,

Mashallah...in all honestly...i was not expecting a response like this from you...i was rather expecting something like, "don't ever lower your standards!"

But on the same note...DONT under-estimate the power of this site, and the people here...Because with the responses that i got...although were wrapped around persoanl opinions and experiences, but were in essence, the same as yours: to just to TURN TO ALLAH (swt)and let Him decide for me and to make it easy for me. FOr He is Exalted in Power and Most wise in all his decisions.

Alhumdulliah hi rabil alameen. It was truly by accident how i found this site...but yet...nothing is by accident...subhanallah I am very thankful to My lord for having found such wonderful people through this site.

May Allah reward you All Immensely.

on April 9, 2005 1:10 PM
Ayman boy said

why is it that people have such issues with us cultural boys anyways.I mean we know about American culture, Mcdonalds, MTV, Hollywood, Hamza Yusuf, Habib Ali, we know wassup with everything in USA, then why the girls think they are marrying some crazy crackpots who will tell them to cook and clean all day. If I want a cookign and cleaning wife, I can get that from my dad's country, they are better at it anyway than girls in the West. you girls need to chill! lolz! just kidding no offense to the girls.

on April 9, 2005 5:26 PM
asif said

Hahahaha....Ayman....you are funny and your comments did crack me up!

Hey I know all the cultural icons...but who is Habib Ali? Is he the next Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan?

on April 9, 2005 5:51 PM
asif said

"Alhumdulliah hi rabil alameen. It was truly by accident how i found this site...but yet...nothing is by accident...subhanallah"

Masha'Allah...A Gem of a comment!

on April 9, 2005 5:54 PM
Justoju said

Habib Ali al Jifri (ra) is a renowned Yemeni scholar and isnt much fond of unislamic instruments...so no, I dont think he would be the next Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan...

on April 10, 2005 1:48 AM
Nora said

masha allah great tips may allah reward to you brothers and sisters

on June 6, 2005 4:49 PM
Daa'iya said

Salamualaikum wa rahmatullah
Mabrook Sister, and JazakAllahkhair for such a wonderful article!

on June 24, 2006 6:43 AM
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