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June 23, 2005
Asher and Fatima go to Wegman's

by Talal Sarwani


Disclaimer: The following is an artifact of COMPLETE AND UTTER FICTION. The Asher in this story is not a real Asher. Neither is the Fatima presented hereforth (and finally, nor is the Maryam who is mentioned). These are all figments of my imagination, and any similarity to any possible Ashers, Fatimas, and/or Maryams is entirely coincidental. However, if you inshaAllah want to bother an Asher, Fatima, and/or Maryam you know, I have no control over that. And please, remember, do not fall in love with this specific Asher, Fatima, and/or Maryam.

Note: The following is presented in a screenplay format. The centered items are dialogue, with the rest being actions and thoughts of the characters. The ALL CAPS headings are scene descriptions; "EXT -NIGHT" means "exterior, night", which gives you the type of location and time of day. "INT" obviously means interior. I'll clarify in the comments if anything else doesn't seem clear.

If the following text is either fully or partially cut off on your web browser, please CLICK HERE to view it properly.

 

               EXT -NIGHT.  THE REMAINS OF A BLIZZARD ARE ALL AROUND, AS
               ASHER AND FATIMA DRIVE SLOWLY THROUGH THE PLUSH SNOW IN THEIR
               SUV.  

               Fatima looks out at the remaining snowflakes falling onto the
               windshield.

                                   FATIMA
                         I can't believe you're going all
                         the way to Wegman's in this.

                                   ASHER
                         Hey, I said it was your choice to
                         come or not.

                                   FATIMA
                         Oh really?  First you come home
                         late from work, then you want me to
                         stay home

                                   ASHER
                         (interrupting)
                         Not wanting you to stay, just

                                   FATIMA
                         well I'm sorry, but I already see
                         too little of you nowadays.

                                   ASHER
                         Awwww habibty, that's so sweet.

                                   FATIMA
                         Oh please just be quiet.

               Asher can't suppress his amusement as he slides the car into
               the parking lot.

               They park in the nearest spot to the store, in a lot with
               only two other cars.

                                   FATIMA
                         There's no one here.  This place
                         can't be open.

                                   ASHER
                         Wait a sec, lemme go see.

               He never had to tell her to wait anymore.  

               Fatima watched Asher walk towards the front door, which
               magically opened upon detecting his presence.  She smiled as
               he walked back with a hurry in his pace.  She wouldn't admit
               it, but she was glad it was open; this was their little
               adventure in the midst of a blizzard.

               Then came her favourite part of every outing, as Asher opened
               the door for her.

                                   ASHER
                         Madame, your supermarket awaiteth.

               He sticks his hand out for her to grab as she takes cautioned
               steps to the ground.

               They struck a striking contrast against the white haven all
               around them.  She in the black 'abaya she bought from Abu
               Hayl during their summer vacation to Dubai.  He wearing one
               of the five outfits she loved to see him wearing; she always
               thanked his sister Maryam for buying him those pants and that
               jacket from the Kiswah boutique in Madeenah.



               INT -NIGHT.  WEGMAN'S IS A MEGA SUPERMARKET.  A SUPERSTORE
               WITH ALL SORTS OF FOODSTUFFS CONTAINED WITHIN IT.  GARGANTUAN
               AISLES AND IMMENSE VARIETY DOMINATE THE PLACE.  TONIGHT
               HOWEVER, IT IS EMPTY ON THE INSIDE.  THERE IS ONE REGISTER
               OPEN AMONG THIRTY.  A FEW EMPLOYEES LINGER AROUND THE OPEN
               REGISTER, HAVING NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

               Asher grabs a basket as they walk into the mega supermarket.  

                                   FATIMA
                         (suprised)
                         Just a basket?  You don't want a
                         cart.

                                   ASHER
                         Don't need a cart.  I'm just here
                         for one thing?

                                   FATIMA
                         Oh you're kidding.  You're
                         seriously here just to buy one
                         thing?  I thought you were just
                         messing.

                                   ASHER
                         (casting a sly smile)
                         Messing?  With you?  SubhaanAllah. 
                         But I guess yeah.  There's one
                         item, just multiple quantities.

               Asher navigates them through the pharmacy area, then crosses
               a few aisles to the right, passing the "no-way-there-are-that
               many" variety of green teas, and finally stops in front of a
               freezer.  

                                   ASHER
                         There.

                                   FATIMA
                         What?  Where?

               The glass door of the freezer reflected the look of pure joy
               on his face.

                                   ASHER
                         There.
                             (he points towards the
                              freezer)
                         Tofutti.  Alhamdulillah.

                                   FATIMA
                         (utterly confused)
                         Toffuti?

                                   ASHER
                         Yeah.

               He opens the freezer door and starts picking up three vanilla
               fudge and three chocolate fudge flavoured Tofuttis.

               Fatima picks one of the cases up.

                                   FATIMA
                         You drove through the remnants of a
                         blizzard for this?

                                   ASHER
                         (non-chalantly)
                         Yup.

                                   FATIMA
                         (still reading the case)
                         For ice cream.

                                   ASHER
                         Not just ice cream.

                                   FATIMA
                         Ice cream made with tofu?

                                   ASHER
                         Oh, not simply ice cream made with
                         tofu.

                                   FATIMA
                         Milk free ice cream made with tofu.

               She has fun with this game.

                                   ASHER
                         Oh more importantly,

               Fatima awaits eagerly, Asher takes a pause.

                                   ASHER
                         More importantly... low fat.

               "How anti-climactic", she sighs to herself.

                                   ASHER
                         Like you.

               -  Three vanilla fudge flavoured Tofuttis:  Eight dollars and
               fifty cents.

               -  Three chocolate fudge flavoured Tofuttis:  Another eight
               dollars and fifty cents.

               -  Look of shock and near anger on Fatima's face:  Priceless.

               Fatima scowled at him.

                                   ASHER
                         Okay okay, I sorry.  Please
                         apology?

                                   FATIMA
                         Don't try that cute, innocent act.  
                         You'll be working for this one.

                                   ASHER
                         (winking)
                         Hey, as long as you think I'm cute.  

               Fatima shakes her head.

                                   ASHER
                         Khallas, I'm just kidding.  Ready
                         to go?

                                   FATIMA
                         What, I don't get any ice cream?

                                   ASHER
                         La habibty, I didn't mean that. 
                         Whatever you want.

                                   FATIMA
                         That's better.  Now where's the
                         real ice cream.

                                   ASHER
                         It would be my pleasure to lead you
                         to the location in question, my
                         dear lady.

                                   FATIMA
                         Yalla then.

               They walk towards the normal ice cream section, on the other
               side of the mega supermarket.

                                   ASHER
                         You know, I was thinking something
                         at work today.

                                   FATIMA
                         Uh-huh.

                                   ASHER
                         InshaAllah in about eight months
                         when you know...

                                   FATIMA
                         (alight with a smile)
                         Yes I know.

                                   ASHER
                         So, I was thinking... I can start
                         calling you "Moti".

               Fatima stops dead in her tracks.  She only knew a little Urdu
               to the shagrin of her parents, but did know that "Moti" meant
               "Fat Woman".  Those two words did not mesh well in her mind.

                                   FATIMA
                         You're on a roll today, aren't you?  

                                   ASHER
                         Lemme explain...

               Fatima doesn't say a word, and doesnt' move.

                                   ASHER
                         When me and Maryam were kids, we
                         used to really really bug this
                         auntie we had named Fatima.

               Fatima's eyes rolled in anticipation of what was coming.

                                   ASHER
                         So we used to mess around and call
                         her "Fatty Ma", especially since
                         she had five kids, and was, well,
                         kinda a "Fatty Ma".

               Asher grinned like a two-year-old for just a moment.

                                   FATIMA
                         Asher... you must really, really
                         want to sleep on the couch tonight.  

               Asher ignores those words, as they continue walking.

                                   ASHER
                         So at work today, I was thinking
                         how to take that a step further.  

                                   FATIMA
                         So it's gonna be a week on the
                         couch for you, mashaAllah.

               Asher pays no attention.

                                   ASHER
                         And then it hit me.  

               Asher pauses in useless suspense.

                                   ASHER
                         (raising his finger as though he
                         had just proved the Riemann
                         hypothesis)
                         MOTI!!!

                                   FATIMA
                         (shrugging him off)
                         Mabrook, you have been bestowed
                         with a couch to sleep on for the
                         rest of your life.

               They finally arrive at the ice cream section.

                                   ASHER
                         (still amused at himself)
                         Here you go... take your pick.

               Fatima paced back-and-forth across the aisle trying to nail
               down her choice.

               "Edy's, Haagen-Dasz, Breyers... what do I pick?", she thought
               to herself.

               Then she saw it.  It screamed out to her from behind the
               freezer door.

                                   FATIMA
                         There it is.

                                   ASHER
                         What?

                                   FATIMA
                         The flavour I have been looking for
                         all my life, and I didn't even know
                         it.

                                   ASHER
                         Alright, the suspense is seriously
                         getting to me.  Which one do you
                         want?

               Fatima reaches into the Ben and Jerry's section and pulls out
               a flavor.

                                   FATIMA
                         The story of my life.
     
               She turns the label and shows it to Asher.

                                   FATIMA
                         Chubby Hubby.



               THE END.

                


of and relating to...
gillette said

cheater. you didn't change the story from script format to story format.

also, i hardly think a sister would react so lightly to her husband calling her fat, allahu 'alam.

then again, only asher could get away with it.

on June 23, 2005 10:17 AM
Ibtisam said

why is it that brothers use "Fatimas" in their stories
and sisters like to use "Tariqs"

(I could never figure that out). But offcourse, could it be the meaning of the name Fatima, the non-literal meaning is love of all the world or something along that. I dunno).

on June 23, 2005 10:32 AM
Laughing out loud said

"The following is an artifact of COMPLETE AND UTTER FICTION. The Asher in this story is not a real Asher. Neither is the Fatima presented hereforth (and finally, nor is the Maryam who is mentioned). These are all figments of my imagination, and any similarity to any possible Ashers, Fatimas, and/or Maryams is complete coincidental"

-Are you serious? Your saying these names have nothing to do with any real life circumstances that have taken place recently? Comon brother! LOL!

on June 23, 2005 10:50 AM
gillette said

i like using fatima because i don't know any fatimas.

on June 23, 2005 11:13 AM
sis said

Assalaamu 'alaikum

MashaAllah very amusing piece.

Where may I find an "Asher" if they do indeed exist..?

on June 24, 2005 12:56 PM
Ibtisam said

ah,....nobody beats Shakeel Khan of the One man series. You'll find the Ashers, Shakeels, in the writers heads offcourse.

on June 24, 2005 3:34 PM
Faisal (feeling sad) said

I came to an interesting realization recently. What beauty is for women is what money is for men. The more of it you have, the more likely you are to get married. However, if you don't posses enough of it, marriage will be difficult and if a prospect refuses to marry you on the ground that you don't have enough of it, it doesn't make them a bad person. You only have limited control over how much of it you have yet one of the most important sunnahs is kept from being fulfilled due to lack of it.

My message to those who are married...

Tell your spouse you love them today and do something special for them. You really are lucky to have them...

Now I sound like one of those people Talal made fun of in Where's the washing machine. Anyone's stomach hurting from hilarity yet?

WOW what a rant. Forgive me for that one guys.

Peace and Jummuah Mubarak

on June 24, 2005 4:05 PM
Dont feel sad said

Subhanallah,
blessings are less counted by those who have them. May Allah help you Br.Faisal and dont be sad, it is so unbefitting your personality, Allah has made you a pleasant slave of His and be happy, Allah will give you out of His bounty, ameen.

on June 24, 2005 4:33 PM
Justoju said

At least men have the potential of making more money in the future and can marry based on 'potential'...with women, its universally known that their biggest asset, their beauty, will only decrease with age.

And yes, I agree with br. Faisal. We are soooo lucky to have our spouses and dont deserve a single particle of their priceless existence. (releases mushy sigh).

on June 24, 2005 5:00 PM
Bint Saeed said

May Allah SWT grant us with a spouse that is first and foremost a blessing to the heart than to the eye. Aameen:)

The search has begun.. may Allah SWT guide us all in the right direction. Ameen.

on June 24, 2005 5:21 PM
Talal said

Realizing that society does adhere to the rules of falling prey to the nafs...

Alhamdulillah that we as Muslims recognize and inculcate within us that it isn't money, beauty, or some other material ornament, which should play a role in deciding who we are inshaAllah to spend the rest of our lives with.

Ya akh Faisal, I know that you know more than me that we are to take care of ourslves, after that it's just "qadr Allah wa ma sha'a fa'l".

These are the tests of life, so just bear them with strength and look forth into the not-so-far future, to those gardens beneath which rivers flow. Can you hear the trickle?

If you want to be the most beautiful woman, or the wealthiest man, you simply have to be content and satisfied with what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given you.

to the sisters... Asher is out there. Especially if you live in NJ. :D (I just can't help myself sometimes)

on June 24, 2005 5:23 PM
Bint Saeed said

sniff sniff:*) thanks

on June 24, 2005 7:15 PM
Justoju said

My nephew's name is Asher. But he is two years old. But he is still an awesome catch mashaAllah. Sign up while you can ladies.

on June 24, 2005 9:09 PM
amatullah said

what's the meaning of 'asher' ? Is it an arabic name ?

on July 1, 2005 3:37 PM
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