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August 10, 2005
Confessions of a Nafsanic Drama Queen

by Justoju

I gave something away today that was my favorite possession. That I had bought specifically with the purpose of pleasing my husband’s eyes with. That I had fallen in love with the second I had tried it on. That instantly became the crown jewel of my purchases. I gave it away for the sake of Allah. But the purity of my intention does nothing to dissipate the pain that my nafs is going through. My insides feel small and constricted. I feel like beating my chest, wailing, and crying. All, ALL, because of a dress. This is so sad. This reflects so terribly on my suluk and my Islam. What kind of a Muslim am I? My nafs screams, “BUT I LOOKED AMAZING IN THAT DRESS TOO!” It writhes in my deepest cavities and bellows, “THAT WAS MMYYY DRESS, MY FAVORITE DRESS, MY IRREPLACEABLE DRESS, MY BEAUTIFUL BURGUNDY CHINESE DRESS WITH COPPER FLOWERS THAT I BOUGHT AT THAT CULTURAL FAIR IN THE MIDDLE EAST, AT THAT FAIR THAT PACKED UP AND CLOSED AND WENT AWAY, THE DRESS THAT I CANT BUY ANOTHER OF, THE DRESS THAT EVERYONE SAID I LOOKED HOT IN, AND NO ONE WILL EVER EVEN KNOW MY SACRIFICE…” No one will know this pain. I can’t talk to anyone about it because that will just be feeding my nafs. I can’t give it the pleasure of being a glorified martyr. I can’t allow it that. I can’t allow it anything. And yet it hurts. It cries. It agonizes and regrets. How do I make this regret go away. I did something good. She will wear the dress and her husband will think she looks beautiful and I will get some reward right? I will get some reward for the sacrifice right? It isn’t for naught. It isn’t futile. I gave it away because I knew, in that moment, that Allah would be pleased and would give me something better in return. That it was just a piece of duniya. A dress that I could just have recreated for me in Pakistan. It was just pieces of fabric sewn together…while the pleasure of Allah is something infinitely greater in value. But then if I know all this then why does it still hurt? Why do I grieve for something so frivolous and vain? How do I make this hurt go away? I just want my dress back. I am so screwed up. I am so disgusting. How can I even dare to ask Allah for His Favor when I am such a disgusting pile of putrid decaying self-obsessed regret and discontent. I can’t even do something selfless for His sake without feeling bad about it. Ya Allah, save me from my nafs. Save me from its constant never-ending, never-satiated, dissatisfied, lusty hunger for the meaningless, worthless trinkets that veil me from the importance that is due to You. Save me from this ignorant love for the duniya. Save me from this ceaseless thirst. Save me from this pursuit of shadows.
Save me from myself.

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On the authority of Ibn 'Umar, radiyallahu 'anhuma, who said:
The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam, took me by the shoulder and said:

"Be in this world as though you were a stranger or a traveler/wayfarer."

[Al-Bukhari]

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http://fortyhadith.iiu.edu.my/hadith40.htm


of and relating to...
amatullah said

Boy do i know wot ur talkin about!...I think the best prescription is 2 rakaahs Salaah at Tahajjud time and hey , who says you can't tell anyone wot you feel...You can tell Allah EXACTLY wot u feel and beg him for His Mercy in return.

Of COURSE ur Nafs will bug u...that's the point :) A child wants a certain item but the mother knows that she can't give in 2 the child's tantrums coz she doesn't wanna spoil her child...Does the mother hate the child? Why is she putting her child through heartache and grief? Why doesn't she just give the child what she wants and make her life easy? ( kids tantrums r never easy )...Y?Coz she loves the child!!!And she continues 2 love the child! And insha Allah her love for her child will inspire her to continue to mould this undisciplined human being into a beautiful example!!!

Oh and one more thought...The entire world and whatever it contains is not even worth the wing of a mosquito...where does a dress fit in? Hope that helps u ease ur pain sis :)

on August 10, 2005 1:50 PM
Justoju said

Thanks sis, but alhamdulillah I am not still hurting about that stupid dress lol...

I keep a 'nafs' journal in which I write down my ugliest and most selfish moments. Its not a bad idea. Keeps one from forgetting how much one is dependent upon Allah's Mercy and how flawed many of one's works are. Also helps one make sense of silly emotions and put them in their place. For example, I started writing this piece when my nafs was being particularly selfish, but by the time I got to the end the pain had gone away and I had 'gotten over' the dress attachment.

on August 11, 2005 2:18 PM
Justoju said

and I posted this one journal entry up because I am told that apparently this whole 'attachment of the heart to duniya' thing is a common occurrence...

on August 11, 2005 2:28 PM
amatullah said

Masha Allah sis thats sounds a gr8 idea! i wanna start a nafs journal 2 insha Allah :) duas, was salaamu alaikum

on August 11, 2005 5:43 PM
Donald Duck said

Assalamualaikum Wa Rahmatullah.
This is MashAllah a very good piece of writing in deed. Surprising that so few have commented on this and Br. Hasan's articles. But good job writers of hidaya, keep the good work up.May Allah Talah make all of us successfull.

on September 3, 2005 4:33 PM
Rahma said

Salaams

Masha-Allah.
I like your confession. Only when we confess & admit our weaknesses, can we grow to become better people.

on February 20, 2006 4:30 AM
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