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November 26, 2005
Scrubbing Gender Interaction Clean

by Talal Sarwani

The following is a result of a collaboration between Br. Talal Sarwani and Br. Hassan Khaja. It is an excerpt from a script to the new Scrubs film, which was written quite a while ago. No context is given to the rest of the film, so let these scenes stand on their own inshaAllah. Please keep in mind that all characters are FAKE, and do not represent anyone. Seriously.. people have trouble making this distinction, so please do not do so for the folks below. Yes, this is a warning :)

Oh yeah, and ISE is the organization of Muslim students in the story. It's pronounced ICE. I'd tell you why, but then it'd spoil a ridiculous scene in the movie.

Note: The following is presented in a screenplay format. The centered items are dialogue, with the rest being actions and thoughts of the characters. The ALL CAPS headings are scene descriptions; "EXT -NIGHT" means "exterior, night", which gives you the type of location and time of day. "INT" obviously means interior. I'll clarify in the comments if anything else doesn't seem clear.

If the following text is either fully or partially cut off on your web browser, please CLICK HERE to view it properly.

               IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.  

                         Alright bro, I did what I came to
                         do, and now I must jet outta here.

                         JazaakAllah khair akhee, you saved
                         us again.  None of this would have
                         been done without you.  

                         Wa iyyaak.  It was my honor. 
                         Alright then, Assalaamu alaikum.

                         Wa alaikum as salaam wa

                         Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullaah.

                         Wa alaikum as salaam wa

               People start dispersing, as the Director, Asher, Jisrawi,
               Arif, and Wasif stick around.

                         So, what're you guys up to now?

                                                                CUT TO:


               KB is an Emaraati, and ZK is a Bengali.  They make a
               dangerous pair, having swept many a girl off her feet, while
               still making time for the weekly meeting of the ISE.

                         They're all mad, man.  


                         These girls.  

                         Which girls?

                         All these chicks falling over me. 
                         I'm getting sick and tired.

                         What happened now?

                         Ya'ni, we had our fun and all, but
                         that's it, right?


                         So, my thinking is khallas, you
                         wanted fun, I wanted fun, we had
                         fun, then yalla bye-bye.

                         Makes sense.

                         But now some actually are wondering
                         when I'm going to take them home to
                         my Mom.

               Zakir blurts out a laugh.

                         You're kidding.

                         Yo, I wouldn't be feeling so
                         annoyed if I was.

                         They've got to learn man, fun is

                         ... and temporary.  They can't
                         seriously expect me to take someone
                         like that to my Mother.

                         Word man, I know my Mom would slap
                         me across my face.

                         Exactly.  I need a nice religious,
                         conservative girl to enjoy for the
                         rest of my life.

                         Like the ones who don't talk to


                                                                CUT TO:


                         Ukh... that was tiring.  

                         Yeah man.  InshaAllah it'll all be
                         worth it in the end.


                         You guys do this every year?

                         Every semester... Allahu A'lam why.

                         C'mon bro.
                             (to Jisrawi)
                         He's just down 'cause he's tired. 
                         We do this for everyone really.  I
                         mean mashaAllah, there are at least
                         fifteen brothers I've gotten to
                         know, who I didn't know at all
                         before doing these films.  

                         That's awesome.

                         Yeah, walhamdulillah, this project
                         really does a lot in bringing
                         people together.  I mean, we all
                         really feel like a crew.  All of us
                         putting in our blood and sweat
                         towards achieving one end result.

                         I always wonder where the crew
                         disappears when it comes time to
                         edit on those long and lonely

                         Oh please... you know you love the
                         editing part, so don't complain.

                         Sigh, can you fault a brother for
                         desiring some company.

                         Oy hoy, lover boy needs a co-editor
                         I think.

               All laugh.

                         Har har har.  You remember what we
                         said, right?

                         Okay okay, but I didn't get


                         Wait... who said what about what?

                         It's nothing, really.


                         Yeah yeah spill it.

                         For our benefit, c'mon.

               Asher motions Director to spill.

                         Alright, fine.

               Director sits upright.

                         You guys have been chilling with us
                         for a while now, right?

               All nod in agreement.


               Asher and Director smirk.

                         Anyway, there was this problem we
                         were all going through, which
                         basically resulted in every
                         conversation we had turning towards
                         the topic of love, marriage,
                         horses, and a carriage.
                         It was honestly getting a bit out
                         of  hand.  So one day, I was
                         talking to my sister back home, and
                         I was just telling her about the
                         state of things here... people here
                         were in the same condition as
                         people there; some struggling to
                         stay upon the path of
                         righteousness, while others
                         strayed, chasing the carrot of this

                         The carrot?

                         Yeah, you know.  The master will
                         put a carrot in front of a donkey
                         to get it to move, but try as it
                         will, that donkey will never get to
                         that carrot.

                         Oh okay, mashaAllah.

                         This was the end of my first year
                         at College, the first time I had
                         been away from home so long, so I
                         asked her specifically how to deal
                         with the sisters.  I was having a
                         hard time reconciling the concept
                         that all Muslim women were my
                         sisters, yet I wasn't free to even
                         talk to them.  On top of this, all
                         this talk about marriage was
                         driving me nuts.    

                         And trust me, that year, we were
                         chilling with all the seniors, so
                         ALL the talk was really just about

                         Exactly.  So ya'ni alhamdulillah,
                         my sister knew exactly what I was
                         asking, and she shared with me
                         words of wisdom, which I think
                         finally cured me of the so-called

                         You guys better listen up, if you
                         get what Director is about to say
                         right now, inshaAllah the four
                         years you have ahead of you, will
                         yield the sweetest of fruits.

               The Twins and Jisrawi sit attentively.

                         The first thing she shared was a
                         concept which I realized I had
                         sensed in me, but never understood
                         that it was an innate part of all
                         of us, and that society today had
                         actually made it alien. 
                         SubhaanAllah, now that I think
                         about it, it feels as though she
                         was waiting with that answer for a
                         while, waiting to present her
                         little brother with the advice that
                         would complete his transformation
                         into a man.  She said that I needed
                         to learn about the Theory of

                         To what?

                         TwoGhain.  The Two Ghains, as in
                         the Arabic letter.    

                         Arabic letter?

                         Yeah man, Ghain, as in Ghaddil
                         Basr, ghayb, and uhhh.... ghabee.

                         Right, the letter Gha.  The first
                         aspect of TwoGhain, she said, is
                         the concept of Gheerah. 

                                                                CUT TO:


                         I really think I need to start
                         changing my image.

                         I feel ya, brother.

                         Yeah, man.  These religious girls
                         like the well-kept beard, well
                         ironed capri pants, and love the
                         hard-to-get types. 

                         Who's playing hard-to-get?

                         You know, those sly brothers who
                         speak to the opposite gender ONLY
                         when they absolutely have to.  They
                         no doubt know that the sisters love
                         to see that. 

                         You're kidding.  I thought that
                         they enjoyed being the center of

                         Well, it's a two-fold thing: On one
                         side, these religious girls know
                         that what they want in their

                         Which is?

                         A husband who loves them, supports
                         them, and who will never ever 
                         wander, even with his eyes.

                         And the second part?

                         The second part is a game played by
                         shaytaan.  It's a struggle these
                         sisters have to go through.  Take
                         someone like me or you... we'll
                         start talking to them for whatever
                         reason, even if it's about
                         something to do with ISE, but we'll
                         be sure to drag on the
                         conversation.  You know what I'm
                         talking about, right?


                         So here we have a predicament for
                         the Muslimah... though she would
                         normally maintain a stern manner
                         with all brothers who are Mahram to
                         her, the shaytaan starts the same
                         whispers that go into the mind of
                         every single female on Earth. 
                         "See, you're important, they WANT
                         to talk to you, mashaAllah".  "See,
                         talking is harmless, it doesn't
                         cause any trouble".  Now most women
                         will always succumb to this, which
                         is why flirting works with most,
                         but with the Muslimah, she innately
                         finds it wrong, and the only way
                         you get a smile or a laugh, is when
                         the shaytaan really really brings
                         the big guns, and she slips up for
                         just a moment.

                         I feel like you're hitting the
                         sitaution right on the head.

                         I'm telling you akhee... so what
                         happens is that the Muslim woman
                         has to pass this test again and
                         again, understanding that each
                         failure will bring her closer to...
                         ya'ni being like every other girl
                         that we waste time with.

                         I gotcha.

                         And lemme tell you, if you ever
                         find that someone never ever falls
                         for this, and never allows herself
                         to find comfort in speaking to you,
                         keeping things stern and to the
                         point, then just stop what you're
                         doing, go to her father, and ask
                         for her hand in marriage.

                         You think the fathers of such girls
                         want guys like us?

                         Allahu a'lam akhee.  Only Allah
                         knows what is destined for us, all
                         we have to do is make istikhara,
                         and go for it.  If it's not for our
                         benefit then it won't happen, and
                         if it is, it will.

                         Wow, this is like the deepest
                         conversation we ever had.  What's
                         up with you?

                                                                CUT TO:


               The Twins and Jisrawi have a look of having just heard
               something incredibly profound, which they never want to

                         Yo mashaAllah man, I wish I had a
                         sister to advise me like that.

                         Hey, I HAVE sisters, and I told
                         them WHY the HECK didn't you tell
                         ME that?

                         They're our sisters, because we are
                         all part of one Ummah, we are all
                         amongst the People of Islam.  It's
                         a singular unity based upon the
                         fact that we are all witness to the
                         Oneness of Allah 'azza wa jall,
                         throwing all distinctions in race,
                         ethinicity, wealth, etc... into the
                         garbage bin.  Then, they are our
                         sisters because it is upon us that
                         we be there for them when we can,
                         and when we are needed.  Whether it
                         is to uphold their honor, or to
                         pick up the garbage at an event. 
                         They key is of course that we do
                         this fee sabeelillah, and not fee
                         sabeel al-Nikah, that we do it
                         purely for the sake of Allah, and
                         not because we treat every sister
                         as a potential marriage candidate. 

               All snicker.

                         So you guys get it?

                         Yeah, alhamdulillah.

                         Gheerah is that obligation of
                         protection we have towards the
                         women around us.  We do not stand
                         for anyone dishonoring them in any
                         way, shape, or form.  We do not
                         stand for anyone to objectify them. 
                         And if we do not feel this
                         obligation, then we are not men.

               Director pulls out a shawl and wraps it around himself.

                         Tab'an. That encompasses what was
                         related to me by my sister about
                         the first ghain, al Ghayn Al Awwal,
                         and it is gheerah. Now we move on
                         to the second of the two ghayn, al
                         ghayn ath-thaani, and it is

                                                                CUT TO:

of and relating to...
Gigi said

Masha Allah that is some nice work.

on November 26, 2005 5:14 AM
shireen said

that's going to be hard--getting the girls never to smile/laugh without reason. personally (for me), i know it will be harder. jazakAllah khair for answering my question and ISRU's loss for separating from Hidaya.

on November 26, 2005 12:38 PM
Ibtisam said

I am proud of you my brothers, older or younger for coming to the understanding of gheeyarah, or gheerah.
May Allaah build this quality in the men of our ummah.
Gheerah is very important
adn I have seen first hand some of the muslim uncles and brothers that have it.
Mostly in hidaya I have been critsizing brothers and sisters and that is due to what I had to go through in personal experience in life.
I was a woman with a lot of gheerah, as my father knows(I got thsi from my father, walhamdulillaah).
Once one of the sisters was reading qur'aan too loud in the women's room,I was afraid brothers' would listen to her.
I didnt like when men would look at my mom(let alone looking at me).
Yet on my wedding, my gheerah was insulted
when men burst into the women's only wedding hall.
I would have punished those male non-mahram relatives. I called my brothers sissies as they did not pull the men away or punish them and they were too busy in the men's hall and they did not help me. Yet, sometimes, we should accept qadr as it is. Sadly it has become a test of my eemaan. Gheerah in women is not very good, especially if it is a sense of her distress. Had there been more gheerah in my brothers, I would have not had suffered as much. Yes they are younger than me. But all men should have gheerah for their women.
And as far as respecting sisters in islaam, yes, gheerah should be there for them as well.
Help the sisters at muslim events.

Once, I brought in snacks for an event in our MSA. One of the sisters was going to take it upstairs by herself(as I had to run for class) and they were heavy bags with coke bottles and what not.
I commanded( I mean) told the brothers that were standing around, without knowing their names or who they were,
"excuse me, brothers, can you please take this upstairs"
surprised, the brothers were like, "oh okay..."
the sister was also surprised and a little embarrassed
she said, "this way.."
so it was interesting. But I was able to do this only because I had this expectation, taht our brothers in Islaam are our protectors and helpers as believers, walhamdulillaah.
When I was in Pakistan, a shopkeeper told a muslim girl that she should wear islamic clothing.

on November 26, 2005 12:41 PM
Talal said

There was once a comment on Hidaya, by I think Sr. Justoju, which kind of brought a new light on this debate for me.

Basically, what was said is that no person has the right to see that side of a nonMahram, in which he/she is laughing/smiling/chilling/being with their Mahrams.

One of the things I was told to tell women who want to shake my hand, and something that actually makes the women(the smart ones at least) feel good, is to say that in Islam, it is considered an honor to come into physical contact with a woman, and that honor is afforded to me only for those women directly in my family.

Just so, sisters should realize that if we are nonMahram to you, we have NO RIGHT, we DO NOT DESERVE THE HONOR of seeing the so-called "bubbly" side of your personality. Nor can we possibly do anything to gain that honor (besides letting the ink dry on an 'aqd-un-Nikah).

Sisters love saying that they are "precious, delicate pearls"... well... it falls upon you as well to put that into effect by realizing just what about you is so precious, bi idhnillaah.

on November 26, 2005 1:48 PM
gillette said

I think this is where the older Hidaya sisters (who I think make up the majority of the female readers/writers and who I think are possessed of more wisdom and experience than the newer sisters) offer their advice on how to implement what other sisters might have difficulty implementing.

on November 26, 2005 2:51 PM
Bint Saeed said

Assalaamu Alaykum,

SubhanAllah the lessons of SCRUBS are always a delight to read. I think these brothers put it best and br. Talal further made the point clear that most sisters often times forget to implement the words they often tend to cite when speaking about women in Islam.

Community service, MSA or any other religious contributions will without a doubt lead to some sort of interaction between genders. In my humble opinion often times both genders fall short to the proper adab/actions of a Muslim/muslimah when the goal of an effort becomes blurry. Everything we do is for seeking the pleasure, forgiveness and mercy of Allah SWT alone. Based on personal experience I would advise those muslimeen, who are contributing to any type of religous organization with their talents, to always always always remind themselves that they are seeking the favors of Allah SWT alone. This reminder causes the want of approval from others to diminish and brings out the BEST of efforts. Not only that but it leads to a greater respect for one another, and therefore, a shared responsiblity to protect each other's honor. We need to remember the hadith that reminds us all that we are a mirror unto one another. Let not us sisters be a reason to cause a brother to illustrate improper adab and vice versa. There are numerous way to teach someone the Deen, when finger pointing-voice raising-kufr, shikr, bida' claiming are controled we must realize that one of the best ways to teach is by our own actions.

An inviting glance, smile, off the subject conversation only causes our ownselves harm. So remember the goal, stay focused, do your piece and make dua for the success of whatever it is that you are collectively working towards.

My two cents..
wasalaam walaykum

on November 26, 2005 3:22 PM
Gigi said

JazaakAllah khair akhee, you saved
us again. None of this would have
been done without you"

I think it might be better to put, "... without the help of Allah and then you," since all success is from Allah.

on November 26, 2005 4:29 PM
asef said


Nice post...Br. Talal & Hassan...Alhamdulillah.

There is a verse in Qur'aan, that deals with the topic of gender interactions. This ayat is so concise, precise and to the point that it is enough for us Muslims to understand the width and breadth of gender interactions in Islaam:

Allah says in Qur'aan (Surah At-Tauba):

وَالْمُؤْمِنُونَ وَالْمُؤْمِنَاتُ بَعْضُهُمْ أَوْلِيَاء بَعْضٍ يَأْمُرُونَ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَيَنْهَوْنَ عَنِ الْمُنكَرِ وَيُقِيمُونَ الصَّلاَةَ وَيُؤْتُونَ الزَّكَاةَ وَيُطِيعُونَ اللّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ أُوْلَـئِكَ سَيَرْحَمُهُمُ اللّهُ إِنَّ اللّهَ عَزِيزٌ حَكِيمٌ

9:71 And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends one of another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger. As for these, Allah will have mercy on them. Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise.

Subhan'Allah, what a beautiful Ayat!

As I ponder on this ayat, I consider any muslim man to be the Auliyah (or Wali) of any muslim sister out there. Meaning, a muslim man has the responsibility to protect, and honor the izza of any muslim sister out there.

So, when a muslim man interacts with a non-mehram muslimah he should consider himself as her "wali" (meaning to have Gheerah while interacting with her, and to honor her status as his own).

...AND yes, I agree that to get married to a muslim sister, one should deal with her father/brother for proposal...that is the Ahsan way to get married to a muslim sister...always, with the blessings of our elders and family, insha'Allah!

on November 27, 2005 1:25 PM
Donald Duck said


So is there goin to be a film Director Saab?

on November 28, 2005 11:02 AM
Talal said

What do people think of KB's mini-dissertation on The Muslimah's Conundrum?
I'm just wondering how it came off to an audience.

on November 28, 2005 6:45 PM
Bint Saeed said

Salaamu Alaykum,

Br. Talal I'm thinking that the part where KB says that these Muslimahs think to themselves that they are important because the brother is speaking to them is a bit much. Allahu Alam, dont know how it'll flow with some sisters. I would suggest putting in something concerning the fact that most of the time many Muslimahs feel that their opinions dont matter or they go unnoticed by brothers when it comes to committee work etc. I could be totally off but just a thought or I could just be repeating what you orignially had but in a toned down version:-/

wasalaam walaykum

on November 28, 2005 7:45 PM
Gillette: must-read scientific data from U. of Chicago said

Male s-e-x hormone easily triggered

Scientists have proved that even the most seemingly innocent chat with a woman can be enough to send male s-e-x hormones soaring. ...


Published: 2003/11/05 10:10:29 GMT


on November 28, 2005 10:12 PM
shireen said

i just came on hidaya to put up the same article. subhanAllah.

on November 29, 2005 12:38 AM
Talal said

KB's character is supposed to be one of someone who thinks himself to be quite the casanova, so if it rubs sisters the wrong way, it was supposed to.

What I'm wondering is if what he said was a proper understanding of what we observed, or is he just full of himself?

on November 29, 2005 1:12 AM
asef said


Nice article folks....

"Men who are married or in long-term relationships have lower testosterone levels than those still playing the field."

hahahahaha, I really liked the above part...and maybe this shows one of the Hikmah of marrying 4 wives... :)


on November 29, 2005 1:19 AM
Bint Saeed said

Oh acha..hmm I would take a poll, however when I read it I thought it to be quite alright. Allahu Alam.

Wasalaam Walaykum

on November 29, 2005 1:48 AM
gillette said

"Br. Talal I'm thinking that the part where KB says that these Muslimahs think to themselves that they are important because the brother is speaking to them is a bit much."

The best way to evaluate KB's statement is by the insight of insightful sisters. If by a "poll," Bint Saeed meant a poll to evaluate KB's statement, then it wouldn't help. No sister's going to admit that she thinks that she's important when a brother is speaking to them her.

on November 29, 2005 10:10 AM
quietude said

that was a great article, mashaAllah. jazakAllah khayr...im definatly emailing this to alot of ppl who need it i know so there better be a sequel soon inshaAllah...

KB's character is a quite common one, a brother who has the brains but chooses not to use them... just from observations. Some of the most intelligent and capable brothers i know of, were full of what seem like arrogance...which totally ruined them, Allahu Alam.. its really sad because they could have been but they werent. so i think its a pretty accurate depiction of the "religious player" who is just a poser/fronter/etc...basically - hes not an ajdab. he knows better.

on November 29, 2005 10:24 AM
asef said


"KB's character is a quite common one, a brother who has the brains but chooses not to use them... just from observations. Some of the most intelligent and capable brothers i know of, were full of what seem like arrogance...which totally ruined them, Allahu Alam.. its really sad because they could have been but they werent. so i think its a pretty accurate depiction of the "religious player" who is just a poser/fronter/etc"

Hahahaha...well said, well said...thats what we have nowadays...too many religious players...Allahu Aalim

on November 29, 2005 11:22 AM
faz said

Assalamu alaikum,
i read this thread some time this morning in the middle of a hectic uni schedule.. an i found myself disagreeing with some of the points raised.. however, i could not immediately place what or why... so after a day of internally pondering.. here is my tuppence worth.
The underlying modest character of a muslimah, outlined quite precisely by brother Talal and others very ideal. It brings to mind the beautiful character of Sayedatina Fatima az zahra, the daughter of the noble Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam. And i have to say, that this character does, Alhamdolillah still exist. I saw it in its extreme (positive extremism!) in the remotest parts of Yemen, where i was utterly awed by the womens modesty. Not just in front of men, (where they were not only silent, but covered from head to toe) but also in front of other women.. unmarried girls chose to cover their faces in front of other women, an married women dressed in flowing omani robes, in the style thought to be worn sayedatina Fatima az zahra...
and i commend all of that, and think its a beautiful part of their culture and islamic heritage.
But what am i getting at? Gender interaction in the West isnt so simple. Sisters are going to come across men in all aspects of their academic and working lives.. to always be 'stern' with them and suspect all of them to be interested in you in that kind of way doesnt seem realistic. ok.. i agree, it may be idea, an if sisters choose to be like that, then i respect them for it.. but sometimes it doesnt create such a positive image of islam. When a Muslimah is in hijab in a non muslim and moreover secular environment.. she is (this is putting it quite generally) representing her religion.. and Islam is just as much about being loving, caring and conerned about people and society as anything in general... an in a world which is increasingly outwardly judged, somehow it's also a 'duty' to communicate this to others.
Okay, you are all pretty much amazing writers and may start judging and decoding what i am writing..!! but what i am now leading to.. is that if sisters are then interacting with males in general (dont get me wrong, i dont mean social hanging out an stuff.. just generally in professional or academic environments)... so are they then 'nice' to everyone and just 'stern' or cold or whatever with the brothers...? I have heard scholars say that it is permissible or even recommended to say an respond to salam between brothers and sisters in non muslim environments just for 'brotherhood''s sake..

these are just my thoughts.. as you can see, i havent really come to a conclusion... an perhaps i have understood wrong from whats been written.. but what i am generally trying to say..

is that there is a distinction that has to be made between ideal and reality.. the ideal is not wrong, but the reality has to be taken into account.

i think 'Wisdom' definitely comes into play.. something a beloved teacher once said:- "for every ounce of knowledge, you need a tonne of hikmah"..

apologies for the babble.

on November 29, 2005 1:53 PM
faz said

have to apologise again..

some bad english in that post above..

what can i say, its been a long day!! Sorry :-)

on November 29, 2005 1:56 PM
Justoju said

They're all mad, man.
These girls.
Which girls?
All these chicks falling over me. I'm getting sick and tired."

Is this a realistic convo?

on November 29, 2005 7:35 PM
Talal said

In the part of the dialogue presented in this article, neither KB or ZK should be thought of as "religious players" (ie guys who put up a front of religiosity in order to woo). They're players, and they're Muslims, but that doesn't mean they're using the deen in gaining any favor.
KB is basically commenting on what he observes from his perspective.

Sister Justoju,
KB and ZK are characters that haven't really been brought into light, so I'm not sure that the question of realism comes into play. If you're asking whether or not brothers speak that way, inshaAllah I pray not (these two cats are pretty full of themselves, let's get that straight).

Perhaps it's just bad writing...

on November 29, 2005 9:51 PM
faz said

Assalamu alaikum,
dear sister j
inshaAllah hope ur doing well!

if your comment was in response to what i said.. i kinda missed the point!! sorry- but didnt really get it..

my comments were not just in response to the script, but more than that, the points raised thereafter.


on November 30, 2005 10:03 AM
Justoju (urgent request for duas) said


I have a lot to say on this submission but find it difficult to comment as my sanity is being driven to its final horizen by last minute rukhsathi preps. I need duas. Lots of them. Please help save my sanity.


on November 30, 2005 10:16 AM
asef said


May Allah be most pleased with you and your Husband, and bless you with Saleh Auwlaads...Ameen

May your house be filled with sakeenah and barakah, and may Allah provide you with the Best that this life has to offer...Ameen

May your status be elevated in this life and hereafter and may Allah shower His infinite Mercy on you, your husband, your family, and your loved ones....Ameen

And may ALLAH's Rida be with you, always!

Ameen...Summa Ameen.


on November 30, 2005 4:49 PM
Justoju said

JazakumAllahu khair br. Asif for your duas.

Ok...soo...onto the comments...

I realize now, after having been nikkah'd, that ALL a woman needs to maintain proper adab with non-mahram men is a group of strong mahram men. When she sees the nobility of her father, brothers, and uncles she learns what a 'true' man is and doesnít waste her time with the plastic. She idealizes the right kind of men and learns what a woman's worth is through their interaction with the opposite gender. Women who have abusive men in their families grow up to marry abusive men. Women who have noble men in their families grow up to seek the noble. They know the difference.

Women who marry noble men (who as part of their nobility uphold their innate value as 'wife') donít ever let their eyes wander. They cease to be concerned with what any other man in the world thinks. When you have that kind of man, it becomes REALLY EASY to maintain proper adab with non-mahrams. I am constantly amazed and FASCINATED by my husband's treatment of me. In the beginning, due to years of skeptical treatment of male speech, it was very difficult to believe that someone actually, sincerely, HONESTLY believed such fantastically ideal things about me. Once I got over my cynicism and realized that this was my HUSBAND and thus I could TRUST him when he complimented me, it was like a whole amazing world opened up for me.

I felt...(excuse the banality)...special.

I once again had it brought to the forefronts of my consciousness that I, as a woman, as a HUMAN with a nafs, had an innate need to be appreciated. To be loved. To be adored. There are a few ways of having this need fulfilled:

1. Through supposedly 'harmless' interaction with anyone and everyone (i.e. "Thats just my personality, I am just a bubbly person with everyone"), until you get a few 'hits' and go home feeling proud of yourself and thinking about how so-&-so (gender unimportant, though extra kudos if opposite gender) thought you were witty, or cute, or intelligent (insert vanity of choice).

2. Through the halaal and socially healthy means of Muslim marriage to noble men who know a woman's worth. You keep yourself away from unhalaal interaction and strive to marry someone who does the same inshaAllah. You dont allow yourself to get your ego boosts from anyone and everyone. You simply dont allow it.
Now the beginning of marriage is all lovey-dovey sugary bliss and should be seen as a grace period in which your faults will be overlooked and in which you can change yourself and develop good habits. Your spouse wont be noticing 99% of your weaknesses and will be focusing on the best in you. You will be, to him, the sum compilation of all his hopes and desires.
So, to continue, you marry for deen and now have this one amazing MUSLIM person who thinks you are an intelligent, witty, fun, creative, nurturing, sweet, saucy (dare I say s-e-x-y), humanitarian, vivacious, inspirational, supermodel-angel who is a manifestation of Allah's Mercy upon his worthless undeserving self. You quickly realize that dear hubby has clearly lost his mind and is no longer being accurately serviced by his 5 senses. He seems to be totally oblivious of the fact that HE is the amazing one and that you never ever deserved to even be within his presence. HE is YOUR blessing...BUT, hey, you are human, you are LOVING this attention and so wish for it to continue. Thus (if you are intelligent enough to realize it) you are encouraged to keep the facade up until it becomes the reality. You fake it till you make it. You become the person he initially saw you to be. An intimacy is created.

Here is the thing...you canít have your need to be appreciated/improved fulfilled by both means. If you are accustomed to having it fulfilled via #1 then you will most likely be unable to find the kind of man who makes scenario #2 possible. The kind of men who treat their women like they are the be-all and end-all of virtue/beauty---and who are adequately expressive enough of their admiration to cause their women to cease to see that the opinions of others exist---are the same men who save themselves up for one woman. They donít waste and squander themselves on plastic flowers. They have proper adab because they want to give all of themselves and all of their admiration to their wives. And THESE kinds of men DONT (as a precautionary rule of self-preservation) 'hang out' or share jokes or prolong conversation with non-mahrams. They know the rules and only idealize women who strive to follow those rules the same way they do. 'The pure for the pure' isnít just a statement of nasihah; it is also a law of logical result.

Also, by having 'sold out' (our nafs constantly pushes and tempts us to pimp our personalities to others) to many men/women before marriage, you inevitably rob yourself of a degree of the intimacy enjoyed in scenario #2. By the time you are married you will have repeatedly savored the sweetness of nafsanic 'boosts' and so when your spouse compliments you it aint no thang. You KNOW you are hot stuff and so his realizing it doesnít mean anything. Itís nothing special and is no motivation for improvement. His appreciation for his wife loses its societal value and is cheapened because his wife was once cheap with her personality.

It is only out of self-respect and human dignity and nobility that we REFUSE to pimp ourselves out, that we remain ADAMANT against an ignorant society's self-demeaning standards. It is only out of a valiant hikmah and foresight that we CHOOSE to give ourselves the value that the very heavens have appointed for us. We are greater than this. We were meant to be greater than the angels. We are not animals, driven by hedonistic lusts and ego, by water and earth. We are distinguished from both angels and animals by our self-discipline and freedom of choice. We must not forsake these divine gifts for within them lies the secret of creation. We must find ourselves through them. We are greater than this. Within our kind stood those who were titled the Friend of Allah, the Love of Allah, the Spirit of Allah. Within our kind stood the best of all Creation.
That is what we are.
That is who we are.
And that is our gheerah.

So letís start realizing it.


on November 30, 2005 9:55 PM
Justoju said

Oh and please continue to make duas for me inshaAllah.

on November 30, 2005 10:26 PM
faz said

salam alaikum!

well made points!

... you got me thinking again..hmmm :-)

on December 1, 2005 6:42 AM
faz said

Though i respect the well made points i do think it is possible for sisters to interact with the other gender without being 'cheap with her personality'
i say this, because we are all ambassadors to our faith, and with every outward action comes the inward intention...

If a sister interacts with others with taqwa and fiLlah, in order to be a da'iyah in His way (because being a da'iyah isnt just about giving speeches.. it is also about general every day contact with people) so if a sister was aware of this, then people's feedback on her personality etc etc wouldnt affect her ego and self-worth.. because when you do ANYTHING for Allah, people's opinions should mean nothing.

But yes, as pointed out, we all have egos and this is where jihad against the nafs comes into play.. How far can we be ambassadors to our faith in our every day interaction with people without their views and opinions boosting our egos etc etc..

As Muslims and Muslimahs, we should constantly be checking our intentions and behaviours anyway.. its all part and parcel of getting closer to Allah.

Of course, it is always better to take the cautionary stance, but i just think its important to not assume that every similar situation will inevitably lead to the same outcome.

Kheir inshaAllah :-) May Allah guide us to what is best for us and most Pleasing to Him.

on December 1, 2005 10:43 AM
faz said

having said all that.. i now understand the conflict and finding the balance.. seems quite deep and complicated.
But i think more than anything... one thing stood out.. "pure for the pure".. pretty much sums everything up very well.

thanks sister j, for all the points.

on December 1, 2005 10:53 AM
gillette said

May Allah (Ta'ala) guide Sister Justoju to perfection in worship to Him. I think this was precisely what we were looking for.

on December 1, 2005 10:56 AM
Donald Duck said


I know Zk pretty well. Lets keep this fella in the backstage for now. He is a big fan of Sheikh Abdul Bari Yahya( yah Corey Dillon, the Patriots running back, was this guy's back up player in high school).

One other thing, ZK hates haraam gender interaction. I m sure he's all for scrubbing off gender interaction clean.

on December 1, 2005 2:14 PM
Faisal Akhtar said

I am sooo itching to reveal your secret identity Donald it is not even funny.

on December 1, 2005 4:26 PM
Donald Duck said


You are too faithful a person to do that Faisal Bhai.

I hear the best batsmen(cricket ) in the world of my childhood days Mr. Saeed Anwar is coming to MCMC tomorrow.

on December 2, 2005 12:45 AM
Justoju said


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December 17th Ė December 18th, 2005

Program will begin 12:30 pm December 17th, 2005
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on December 2, 2005 12:52 AM
Talal said

Sister J,

May Allah 'azza wa jall reward you and provide you with the best and the best, in the dunya and the aakhirah. Ameen.

The insight you provided above was mashaAllah incredibly enlightening.

The revolution began on HidayaOnline.com
Now it spreads to the world...

on December 2, 2005 12:59 AM
Justoju said

SubhanAllah. Nikkah is amazing. One wishes to take every little good thing that one does/says/thinks/writes and to lay it before ones spouse in an insatiable thirst to please him/her.

Isnt this what slavehood to Allah is supposed to be like?

In fact, this can be taken a step further. I spoke earlier about how one spoils the intimacy that one may have with one's spouse by selling one's personality to non-mahrams. This also applies to the Divine. One spoils the intimacy that one may have with Allah by selling one's slavehood to false gods.

To continue with the analogy, once one becomes accustomed to giving one's slavehood to 'the many' and becomes the type of person who is easily swayed and attracted by creation, one loses the ability to appreciate the approval/pleasure of 'the One'.

Allah's Mercy is for all Creation, but His Love is reserved for those who are sincere in their claims and who are faithful in their attachment.

The Pure for the pure.

No wonder this institution is so beloved to Allah. It teaches, via analogy, by signs, what it is to be sincere in Divine Love.

on December 2, 2005 2:02 AM
Ibtisam said

subhanallaah to the above posts, I am speecheless.

on December 3, 2005 12:08 PM
Da'iya said

I second the comment of Sr.Ibtisam above.
Sr Justoju, mashaAllah, you put it so beautifully, and makes me want to strive to perfection. To cover myself for Allah swt only, to protect. To be protected by my brothers in Islam and insist on that 'wall' between us; to not allow non-mahrams a look into the 'true' me. Khair inshaALlah,
Salamualaikum wa rahmatullah to all

on June 24, 2006 8:13 AM
Adnan said

I am student of film making at USC. I am interested in making this into a film and would like to seek permission.

on June 20, 2007 1:38 AM
Talal said

Akh Adnan,

Please email info@hidayaonline.com

Sorry for the delay.

on June 24, 2007 9:34 AM
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