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April 6, 2006
Mating Rituals of the JET-setted and LIGHT-headed

by Talal Sarwani


NOTE: This piece was first published in Rabi' al Awwal issue of Nasihatul Haq. You can find the PDF of the newsletter here (it's listed as Volume 5, Issue 4). May Allah reward the editors for permitting HidayaOnline.com to re-publish it. Also, read the complement to this article, Hiz ya Wiz.

And the beat went badonkadonkadonk...

"What can I get for you?", she screamed into my ear. She screamed, but below the din of thumping beats and writhing bodies, it was nothing more than a whisper. Suddenly, I felt my wallet thirty dollars lighter, with an ice-filled glass of Red Bull. Wait a second, did I just pay thirty dollars for a few sips of an energy drink I would never have in the outside world? Whoa whoa whoa, what am I doing here? Where am I?

Before I could answer my own questions, I found myself suddenly squeezing through a gyrating sea of people, making my way through the dance floor, onto what seemed to be an aisle for rest. Maybe now I could take a couple of deep breaths and remember the what, when, where, and especially why of this moment in time. Between the hypnotic lights and booming bass, my mind was barely able to make comprehension of anything. Okay, I was in a club, and I'm here with someone, two other brothers I remember. I make one round around the dance floor, but couldn't catch a glimpse of either one of them. They must be somewhere in the middle of all that movement, so I decide I have to enter the Pit of Gyrating Hip. Sliding through the crowd, trying to avoid contact with the bevy of bare-skinned beauties, combined with an uncontrollable urge to bounce my shoulders, made me look and feel like I was actually dancing. IstaghfirAllah, I can't be here right now.

I get all the way to the other side, and still no sign of those haraamis. I start to make my way back, on the opposite side of the dance floor for a final scan, when three girls step down from the ramp onto the floor right in front of me. I miss the other two, but the third one catches my eye, once then twice. The third time she caught my eye, and from the forth onward, the eyes kept locking. I forgot all about the whys, whens, and wheres. Now I was in a dance with Shaytaan, tempting me with a vision I would say mashaAllah to under other circumstances. I looked to my left, right, in front of me, and with a stylish spin, behind me, and everyone was doing the same. Every girl with a guy, many guys without girls (though looking hard), all having a good time. "C'mon", some part of me said to some other part of me, "go for it". I tried moving away, onto another part of the floor, but somehow she wound up again in my sight. I couldn't tell whether she was following me, or I was following her. Again and again the whispers incessantly screamed; "It's just a dance, go for it!". Then this girl of just the right height, weight, skin color, and perfect eyes, decides to catch my eye, turn her back to me, and let down her hair. First I thought "istaghfirAllah" at the situation I was in, but then "subhaanAllah", at the wisdom of hijab. If only some girls knew how a few curls were enough to shatter a boy's heart. I could only take so much of the temptation of the Lady in Green, at which point I had a decision to make: do I go for it or not?

I feigned busyness, taking my phone out of my pocket, and lighting it up as though someone was calling. I leave the floor, pretending to answer, pretending to get away from the noise, not wanting to make the Green Girlie feel bad because I rejected her offer. Once outside the floor, standing on the aisle of rest, I looked onto the still moving mass of sweat and skin. Just being here is a test. Just standing here is a fitnah that is trying me to my limits. Then it dawns on me.

I just thought that a girl drinking alcohol was gorgeously tempting. I just thought that watching all these people having their fun was enough of a reason for me to join them. I just let these strobing lights make ugliness look beautiful. I looked again at the throbbing crowd, and understood what they were. Losers. I smiled as it came to me why I didn't need any of this. I understood what I wouldn't deserve. I knew then what I would lose.

And the beat went badonkadonkadonk...

I awoke suddenly but quietly, rubbing my eyes open in the dark, wondering what brought that long ago night back into my mind. There was still an hour before Fajr, so I decided to get a few more minutes of rest. I turned onto my right, and smiled. Hanaan rested calmly, lost in a world of peace and tranquility. "Alhamdulillah", I thought to myself, remembering what I realized back then, before she came into my life. What could be worth not being deserving of such a woman? What could possibly be worth losing her?


of and relating to...
gillette said

I'm really sorry. "Gumbo" seemed like a spam-ish name, but, as the site was processing my request to delete the comment, I noticed that it was a comment attached to a newer article. In other words, freak accident led to deletion of Gumbo's comment.

on April 6, 2006 6:43 PM
Gumbo said

hahaha!! It's ok akhi. I guess those who arent Louisianaians wouldnt understand :) anyway to summerize my comment that got deleted.. ummm i forgot.

however, i must say that MashaAllah I really loved this article. everyone can related on some level.. waAllahul musta'an.

on April 6, 2006 9:09 PM
Donald Duck said

" What could be worth not being deserving of such a woman? What could possibly be worth losing her? "

Hmmm.. interesting question asked. Let me share a valuable insight about women (not practising Islam and some presumably practising ): they always look for the best of the dunya. You got to be 1)rich, 2)good looking and 3)not unattractive. Very superficial, I know but thats how most of em are ... superficial.

Thats why I tell all my Desi brothers, if you want to get married get a practising girl from the subcontinent, life would InshAllah be so much easier. And Allah Talah knows the Best.

on April 7, 2006 11:10 AM
Justoju said

1) "If only some girls knew how a few curls were enough to shatter a boy’s heart."

Trust me. Some of us definitely know. It makes the decision to don hijab all the sweeter a token of one's slavehood to the Creator...or so I hear anyway...

2) In his tape set on Muhammad (may Allah bless him and give him peace), Sheikh Hamza mentions in the second tape how part of fitra is being able to recognize true beauty. When one moves away from one's fitra then the ugly appears beautiful and one becomes attracted by it. If you look at the music/cities of today they are far uglier than those of classical society and lack the quality of harmony that was prized in previous times.

3) (Disclaimer: I do not think ALL desi men/women lack personality or are unfunny to the western palate.)

"if you want to get married get a practising girl from the subcontinent"

Whoooaaaa...hold on there...ok, I TOTALLY agree that women are superficial...but then so are most men, which is why advertizing likes to exploit women. Cmon, lets be honest here, the only difference is that we go for the cash (due to the instinctual desire to nest with a baby daddy who can take care of the baby), and guys go for looks (due to an instinctual desire to nest with the most fertile looking piece of sauntering meat available). So lets agree that ERRYYBODY is superficial and they stay that way even after deen comes into their lives, and usually remain so until they reach some kind of advanced state where their assumptions and desires no longer rest on material data.

Bro, a practicing girl from ANYWHERE would be great (inshaAllah), but what makes you think the practicing girls from desiland are easier to acquire (or greater in quantity) than the practicing ones in the West? Are their parents less superficial? Are the girls in the desi world less superficial or fickle? Are they better at seperating their deen from their culture? Is it easier to pick out the 'really practicing' unsuperficial ones from the 'presumably practicing' superficial ones?

I mean if you are more compatible with a homegrown desi chick import over a western model, then sure, go for it...and its a nice warm reassuring idea, but I wonder as to how compatible 'most' western brothers would be with 'most' desi homegrown girls...I mean, I know you can procreate and 'get along' with anyone, but what about humor? What about all the other stuff that makes that person seem like the coolest person in the world to you?

Most of the western girls who I have spoken to (with few exceptions) have agreed that they find the personalities of western desi brothers more attractive than those of eastern desi brothers. I think it has to do with the fact that western women appreciate western humor. (Seriously, put on some Paki comedy show--one thats MEANT to be comedy--and see how funny you find the jokes to be. Imagine a life with someone who thinks thats funny.)

I dunno, maybe I am a bit biased because I now realize after marriage how its not just about good jamaats, good food, and good bedroom relations...but also about a billion other shared social nuances that that person picked up and that appeal to you. I know there are so many funny quirky things about my husband (aside from his deen) that make me love him more and more. I dont know if I could have seen him as my best friend if he had difficulty making me laugh or relating to my social background.

All comments on this issue are welcome.

(Or maybe I am just being really superficial about this whole humor thing?)

on April 7, 2006 7:26 PM
gillette said

"...Let me share a valuable insight about women (not practising Islam and some presumably practising ): they always look for the best of the dunya. You got to be 1)rich, 2)good looking and 3)not unattractive."

Jazakallaah for unlocking your insight into the secrets of the woman's mind in one sentence.

Maturity is foresight. The most mature are the believers, man or woman, who have the foresight to live seeking the face of the creator. The seekers of his face are zaahideen (people who are indifferent to everything of this world that doesn't please Allah).

Immaturity is lack of foresight. The least mature are the kuffaar, man or woman, who only seek the face of the creation. The seekers of this world are materialistic (people who are partial to everything of this world that doesn't please Allah).

"...if you want to get married get a practising girl from the subcontinent, life would InshAllah be so much easier..."

No thanks. I'd prefer not to delay the time between the nikah and consummation all because some little brat - who turns out to be one of my in-laws - stole my shoe and is looking for money that I'd rather be spending on my wife. The fact that the women are dressed in the most eye-catching outfits doesn't help matters either. Her family will want to drop a lot of money on everything except proper facilities to separate the men and women.

on April 7, 2006 8:59 PM
Talal said

Amusing...
Br. Donald isn't exactly the typical western brother, that's all I can say :)
Plus, some of us just need someone named Butheina from back home (which doesn't have to be desiland)... it's simply that simple.

And Hassan, he said religious girl from back home, so those problems wouldn't apply, inshaAllah.

amazing how we wind up on marriage again.

on April 7, 2006 9:31 PM
Donald Duck said

Thats right man, I not the typical Western guy. But I grew up in a society with a strong mix of the east and the west in a desi land. The whole point I am trying to make is that on the average our Western sisters might be more detached from family values... hey its just an opinion.

on April 7, 2006 9:48 PM
Donald Duck said

When I mean strong Wetern culture, I don't mean the I had tv to teach me about stuff. I mean I went to school with kids from all around the world, alot of them from the US. Lot of kids in my school were less attached to their roots than the ones I know in the West; sad but true. I must admit that most of Muslim friends here are far better In the Deen and everything else than most of my friends back home.

The point I was trying to make was quite trifle, it should have been taken with a pinch of salt or 'humor'. But if I have offended any1 then I ask my forgiveness to you . Take it easy guys . Salamualaikum

on April 7, 2006 10:01 PM
Faisal Akhtar (Married at Last...Woohoo) said

Guys, you need to get married. It is all they say it is and more.

Just remember, marry for deen and may your hands be rubbed in dust. I will throw my walima feast when I get done with my work. All Hidayans and all of Rutgers Muslim Comuunity will be invited. Deatils to come inshallah.

"amazing how we wind up on marriage again."

I know, isn't it great?

"No thanks. I'd prefer not to delay the time between the nikah and consummation all because some little brat - who turns out to be one of my in-laws - stole my shoe and is looking for money that I'd rather be spending on my wife. The fact that the women are dressed in the most eye-catching outfits doesn't help matters either. Her family will want to drop a lot of money on everything except proper facilities to separate the men and women."

Very nice comment and very pertinent to my situation. I didn't have the whole "Joota Chupai" and "Doodh Pilai" shabang just yet but surprisingly, my nikah was well spearated. All of my sisters in law are prepubscent so hanging out with them is great but the same will not be true by the time I get to bring my wife home. Like you say Hassan, perhaps I will have to settle for something less than a completely Islamic wedding but I will take it if I get to bring home my wife. However the key question here "is the wife worth it and will she be good enough in deen that it is worth making the compromise now?" In my situation, I find it is well worth it so don't count out desi women just yet Hassan, you might be surprised. Don't get me wrong, I hate compromises but if I recall, it was you Hassan who introduced me to the concept. Besides, shoe stealing, milk drinking and the plethora of other weird customs prevalent in desi weddings can actually be fun given the age level of you sisters in law. My six year old sister in law stealing my shoe and asking me for money is just about the cutest thing I can imagine. Minus the haram mixing and flirting, these customs are just excuses to give each other gifts. Time for a discalimer

Discalimer: I am not endorsing these customs. Give me a choice and I will take pure Islam minus all customs any day but it is amazing how perspectives can change with just those three little words. A month ago, I would have been of a totally different opinion.

on April 9, 2006 11:49 AM
saima said

Brother Faisal,

Let me be the first (on hidayaonline) to say, Congratulations! I'm truly happy to see how happy you are. May God continue to bless your marriage, children, grand children ...

Remember us all in your duas, and I hope you don't stop writing for us.

Again, may this be a beginning for you and your wife on the path to Jannah, and remember all hidayans in your duas (actually, remember all muslims).

Salaam alaikum

on April 9, 2006 5:03 PM
Donald Duck said

"And by Allah there is no good in life or this earth when modesty goes."
(Bukhari and Muslim)

The earlier generations were rewarded in this life (and will be in the next InshAllah) because of their level of Taqwa. By looking at our current state of poverty and aimlessness, I wonder what is our Taqwa level?

on April 9, 2006 10:39 PM
undercover_hijabi said

Salams!

AL an awesome article added to the collection of hidaya here...

Just a lil word for justojou:, dear your comment on desi girls is what Id say outdated...back here in Desi-land (more specifically Bombay!), the no. of practising muhajibahs are growing exponentially tahnx to the media and Dawah efforts all around...trust me, the muslims girls here are determined, brave and head-strongmanaging their careers and family lives...all the while retaining their innocence and purity saving themselves from all the filth and fitnah around..(read Bollywood and the assoicated Page3 culture..)

The girls here can very well understand and contribute with gusto..to your so-called American humorisms...As an after thought...I believe they are the budding "Huda"'s that write abt...

As regards to the age-old marriage customs and rituals such as "joota chupaae" etc..they are now replaced by pure Sunnati marriages..with full announcemnet plus minimalistic extravagance!

One sincere request to all my sisters and brothers..plz do not look down upon our desi brothers and sisters...one needs to come down here..see how their lives function and maybe then draw a conclusion..

Anyways...I sincerely do not intend to hurt u sister..u all are doing an awesome job at this site!

May Allah SWT bless u all for yr efforts!

Wassalam

on April 10, 2006 2:51 AM
Justoju said

AssalamuAlaikum,

First order of business: Mabrook br. Faisal! I agree with sr. Saima, its really nice to see you this happy. May you and your wife walk hand in hand to jannah inshaAllah and may you blessed with pious offspring. InshaAllah and Amin.

Second order of business: Dear sr. undercover hiaabi, welcome to hidayaonline and its nice to see fresh blood in our midst :). I apologize if I offended you (or any other eastern desis) in any way, it wasnt my intention or part of my point to say that one was better or more 'religious' than the other. My point was regarding compatibility and I prolly didnt get it across too efficiently. Br. DD had been making the argument that western brothers would have an easier time finding a good girl on the subcontinent...I disagree. Two reasons:

1. Its as hard to pinpoint the good ones there as it is here. Good things are always small in quantity and difficult to find in every society. I am NOT saying there are 'more' good girls over here in the west or that there arent many good girls over there.

2. Before br. DDs advice is implemented one should take issues of compatibility into account. Some western brothers and sisters are compatible with counterparts from back home--and some arent. Some eastern brothers and sisters are compatible with counterparts from here in the west--and some arent. Its that simple.

I hope this cleared things up. Please review my disclaimer :)

WasalaamuAlaikum
j

on April 10, 2006 2:40 PM
undercover_hijabi said

Hey no offence taken sis! Im somewht convinced by yr reply...shall explain my stand in more detail later InshaAllah.

Peace out


on April 10, 2006 2:47 PM
writer#34 said

Salaam:

BR. Faisal: Mabrook Alfa-Alfa Mabrook!!!

Man, My salutations to you for fullfilling the Sunnah and starting your life...Wal-Hamdulillah.

One of the speakers at the last Texas Dawah Conference said, that Brothers, your life hasn't really started untill you have married...and so May Allah make this marriage a blessing and rahma for both you and your wife, in this life and in the herafter, Ameen.

Regarding the Desi-Sis vs American-Sis...as potential marriage partner...

I believe the optimum preference would be to marry someone from back home. There are many reasons to this, but they are mostly based on my observations and dealing with gender relations on various levels.

Having said that, however, my personal preference would be to marry someone from USA, again based on my own reasons.

I should perhaps take a shot at clarifying my own statement above, hopefully sometime soon, insha'Allah.

Ma'Assalaama

on April 10, 2006 2:49 PM
Donald Duck said

Salaams,

Thank God we have relative decency in argument .

I just want to point out that man Talaal, (and all u hidayan brothers out there) spring time is the time when the shayateen get to work. So hold on to the Sunnah, hold on to Allah's remembrance, because now is the time when desires can easily take over.

I am glad that Hidayaonline is such an open minded forum, where we can talk bout the fitnah without thinkin bout our age old customs of keeping quiet of our weaknesses.

Its a testing time, so brothers lets pray to Allah Ta' la that he Protects us from all evil things. I know its tough for you guys, we are all feelin the heat.ay Allah Talah give us the required will power to be on His Path. Ameen.

on April 11, 2006 8:16 PM
writer#34 said

Assalaamu Alaikum All:


***** J U M M A H --- M U B A R A K *****

May Allah Bless everyone of you with a smile that will last forever...so keep smiling, come rain or sunshine, insha'ALlah.

:-) <- this means a muslim bro/sis who is smiling

(:-) <- this means a brother who wears cap but no beard is smiling

((:-) <- this means a sister who wears a hijaab is smiling

:-)) <- this means a brother who has beard is similing

(:-)) <- this means a brother who wears a cap and has beard is smiling

Ma'Assalaama

on April 14, 2006 10:25 AM
Faisal Akhtar said

Writer 34, are you brother Asef?

:-))

on April 14, 2006 1:02 PM
writer#34 said

Salaam:

yes, writer#34 formerly posted his comments under asef

Ma'Assalaam :-))

on April 14, 2006 2:02 PM
Justoju said

((:-)) - hijaabi sister with a beard who is smiling

on April 14, 2006 2:44 PM
writer#34 said

Salaam:

" ((:-)) - hijaabi sister with a beard who is smiling "

Hahahahaha....I am glad you said it...but it is not beyond the realm of possibility.

this reminds me of an instance when I embarassed my younger sister...Masha'Allah she is married and have a son now...Alhamdulillah...but some 8 years ago (before she was married) we were discussing something at home with other family members and then I noticed (at a particular angle of light striking her face) that she had a very faint line of hair (where a mosutache would be)...and I cried out in foolish amazement...hey you have a mosutache!...poor girl...the next day she bleached it or something and it was gone...May ALLAH be most pleased with her, her husband, her son, her family, and her loved ones...Always...Ameen

on April 14, 2006 3:28 PM
writer#34 said

salaam:

This has to be the Quote of the week...and I quote CEO of Raytheon, Bill Swanson:

"Watch out for people who have a situational value system, who can turn the charm on and off depending on the status of the person they are interacting with," Swanson writes. "Be especially wary of those who are rude to people perceived to be in subordinate roles."

Hmmm...how many of our brothers are like this...when they are at the masajid and islamic center, they are the most nice folks...but when they return back to their home, everyone is afraid of them...their wives, their kids and even the pets...Subhan'Allah.

man...its very quiet on Hidayaonline...maybe we need someone to post a poem or something...insha'Allah.

Ma'Assalaama

on April 14, 2006 7:51 PM
writer#34 said

Salaam:

Another good quote:

"Why would people treat me differently? Your value system and ethics need to be constant at all times regardless of who you are dealing with."

Read this comment and the above in this article...insha'Allah, you will find it benficial:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/20060414/bs_usatoday/ceossayhowyoutreatawaitercanpredictalotaboutcharacter

RasulAllah's (sal-lal-la-hu-wa-sal-lam) ethics and moral values were of the superlative degree and he perfected them consistently in his dealings with others...and this is the core theme and essence of sunnah of our beloved prophet...Alhamdulillah.

Ma'Assalaama

on April 14, 2006 8:09 PM
mohammed said

Assalamualaikum warahmathullahi wabarakatuhu
(:-))
Nice thread, my view about marriage with Subcontinent / American sis is this:
Where ever she maybe from, she has to be pious, muhajibbah, lowering gaze from non mehrams and like to lead a simple and islamic life with a brother following sunnah in life.(Dont antagonise parents with your choice)
Simple advice is to follow the hadith: Seek religion in a girl, (If religious, then other things r bonus, otherwise you have dust in your hands).

on May 26, 2006 12:30 PM
mohammed said

I dont expect any of brothers and sisters on this site to annoy there parents, Masha allah you all are very nice people, and i love you all for the sake of Allah.

on May 26, 2006 12:34 PM
mohammed said

One thing very common among western women(Kaffir) is the use of perfumes, a Muslim Girl should NEVER use perfume among non mehrams(outside home whereever).
May Allah make it easy for everyone to follow correct deen, ameen.

on May 26, 2006 12:40 PM
asif said

Salaam:

Hmmm...now that you said this, It makes me wonder...I have smelled the perfume on many non-muslim women (or some sisters who dont do Hijaab)...but I dont think I have ever smelled a perfume on any sister who does hijaab...Nope I am pretty certain about this...Obviously, I am talking of the above observations in a public or professional setting...dont get any weird ideas, eh :-))

Ma'Assalaama

on May 26, 2006 1:26 PM
Ibtisam said

suddenly, i dont have to fight battles anymore.
Superb! God is Great! God is Greatest!


on June 23, 2006 6:57 PM
Ibtisam said

And all the muslim girls went:


La la la lalllaa lalllaa


ilaha

ilallaaaaaah!

on June 23, 2006 6:58 PM
Ibitsam said

okay,
sorry
just realized this might entail me making fun of islaam although, it is not my intention.

So lets just stick to the first line: La la laaa

and ignore the rest, as religion aint no joke.


My apologies: it's friday.

on June 23, 2006 6:59 PM
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